2017: My Year in Review

     Everybody! Another year is ending. 2017 will soon be over. 2018 will begin. It is time to reflect upon the past 365 days. The accomplishments. The failures. The happiness. The pain. The joys. The sorrows. The gains. The losses.
     This year has been a roller coaster, and it seemed to have more downs than ups. But that's what life is. A beautiful tangled mess that at the end of the day, we wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Here's mine.

BLOGGING

 

 ACCOMPLISHMENTS

In March, I wrote my most commented on post WIPs!! . You guys loved it :)

In September, I reached the one year mark of blogging!

In October, I wrote my most viewed post Struggling With Depression Does Not Make You A Bad Christian. It's also one of my favorite posts that I've done.

I reached over 3,000 views!

 GOALS 

I want to consistently publish one blog post a week. Sunday will be the posting day. 

I want to reach 5,000 views by June. 

I want to set up my follow button so you guys can follow me!

WRITING

 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Kelton and I began writing The Blood Oath. 

The Blood Oath is currently at 71,796 words. 

I continued writing Shadows, my 2016 NaNoWriMo project. 

Shadows is currently at 76,612 words. 

I finished my first short story, "Treasure of the Heart", and it totaled at not quite 2,500 words. 

GOALS

I want to complete and edit the first draft of The Blood Oath.

I want both our alpha and beta readers to finish The Blood Oath.

I want to complete and edit the first draft of Shadows.

I want to publish and/or find an agent for The Other Side.

READING

 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

I read 15 fictional books this year.

I read 3 trilogies:

The Winner's Curse, The Winner's Crime, and The Winner's Kiss by Marie Rutkoski.

Alloy of Law, Shadows of Self, and Bands of Mourning by Brandon Sanderson.

Scarlet, Lady Thief, and Lionheart by A. C. Gaughen.

I read 5 genres:

Contemporary Romance, Young Adult (YA), Fantasy, Christian, Historical Fiction.

I started two books:

Oathbringer (Stormlight Archive #3) by Brandon Sanderson.

Eye of the World (Wheel of Time #1) by Robert Jordan.

I read Can't Help Falling and Heartless, which both tore my heart out, but only Can't Help Falling gave it back.

GOALS

Finish Oathbringer. Only 1,050 pages to go!

Finish Eye of the World.

Read at least #2 and #3 of The Wheel of Time series.

Read 20 books.

MUSIC

DISCOVERED 

Artist: Fleurie

Genre: Alternative

Favorite Song: "Hymn"


Artist: Ruelle

Genre: Alternative

Favorite Song: "The Other Side"


Artist: Sleeping At Last

Genre: Electronic

Favorite Song: "Saturn"


Artist: Jackie Evancho

Genre: Classical/Pop

Favorite Song: "Sane"


Artist: NF

Genre: Rap

Favorite Song: "Let You Down"


Artist: The Greatest Showman

Genre: Soundtrack

Favorite: "This is Me" *but I'm obsessed with the whole thing

GOALS

I want to film/release at least one YouTube cover.

I want to extend my vocal range.

MOVIES

WATCHED (TOP 3)

The Fault in Our Stars

I absolutely loved this movie. 5 out 5 stars. It was such a beautifully honest and real love story. I cried so hard my eyes were puffy and red after it ended. I want to own this movie because I will definitely watch it again. Okay? Okay.


V for Vendetta

This movie was a thought-provoking one. 4 out of 5 stars. A lot of moral questions. I loved Evie and V. I loved the sacrifice and the emotion. I would watch this one again.


The Greatest Showman

Omigosh! This movie. Absolutely loved it! 5 out 5 stars. I would go see it in theaters again. The soundtrack is AMAZING! It was such a beautiful story of courage, family, acceptance, perseverance, and love.

LIFE

HIGHLIGHTS

March:

• CHEFA senior banquet. It was a beautiful night at which I felt like a princess. 

April:

• I flew to Houston with my brother's robotics team to watch them play at the World Championship. That remains the best weekend of 2017. It was awesome to be part of the team for a little while, and I basically spent 3 straight days with some of my closest friends. One of my friends and I were the closest we have ever been. I had so much fun cheering Team 3303 on. 
• I performed in my last choir and Visual Sound performance. I loved every single song the choir sang, and I performed the lead in one of the Visual Sound songs. It was awesome. 

May:

• I took my own personal senior trip with three friends and I had an amazing time. We had so much fun playing games and running around the beach. 
• My best friend (who lives in Florida) was able to come visit for a week. She was my partner in watching The Fault in Our Stars. We just hung out and played an infinite number of Spit games. We watched a movie every night, and we stayed up talking. It was awesome. #friends13yearsandcounting

June:

• I completed the mentorship program at my church. My mentor and I did many fun things in the 6 months that we hung out, and I have gained a friend who is able to offer me advice from a more mature viewpoint. 

July:

• I helped plan and attend my first surprise birthday party for one of my friends. We completely succeeded in surprising him, and that was a great feeling. We also went to see Wonder Woman afterwards and I fell asleep in the theater. 
• Some of my friends and I went to visit a friend who was working at a summer camp from June to August. We kinda missed him, so it was great to see him.

MILESTONES

• June 2: I graduated high school with 48 college credits!
• June 13: I turned 18 years old!!
• June 29: I was accepted to Regent University to begin a B.A. in English
• July 31: I passed my driver's test!
• August 21: I started my first college semester
• August 22: I started working my first full-time job 
• December 16: I completed half the credits necessary for my degree!

WRAP-UP

     As I said at the beginning of this post, this year was a roller coaster with what seemed like more downs than ups. I lost two of my closest friendships. I've grown distant with a couple others. But I also made a few new friends.
     There was a lot of change and upheaval as I transitioned into being out of high school. There was a lot of stress as I tried to find a job as an 18 year old with no experience. There was a lot of feeling isolated. Depression came back after being gone for a couple of years. There was a tremendous feeling of loss this year.
     However, God has taught me through these trials (as He always does). I have learned to respect myself more. I have learned to respect my time and my emotions more. I have learned that even though it is as hard as heck, sometimes the best thing to do is to let it go.
     I am ready for 2017 to be over. I am ready for a new year and for a new beginning. God is going to do great things in my life, and I am so excited. I'm hoping it'll be easier than this year, but if not, I will simply trust in Him and know that everything is according to His plan.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!
~Clarissa

Dear Unknown Girl: You Are Brave

This post came from a conversation with one of my closest friends. She told me I was brave, and when I asked why she thought that, her response floored me, and meant more to me than I can express. Here it is:

                        You go through a lot and you push through. It's hard and you don't give up.
 
After she told me that, I thought about how that changed my perspective of my struggles, and how it  encouraged me. And today, I wanted to write a letter to all the girls to encourage them the way my friend encouraged me.


Dear Unknown Girl,

You are brave.

You want to know why? Well, there's this crazy messy beautiful thing called life, and you are living it. That is bravery. You got out of bed this morning. You might have cried yourself to sleep last night, but you still got up to face another day. That is bravery. You might be struggling with depression, but you absolutely fangirled over the amazing thing that happened to your friend. That is bravery. You might have thought about committing suicide, but then you thought of your family and friends and all that could be and chose life. That is bravery. You might have had your heart broken, but you continue to love utterly and completely. That is bravery. You might have been betrayed, but you forgive. That is bravery.You might have wanted to keep your story to yourself, but instead you shared it. That is bravery.

You are brave.

Bravery is so often portrayed as extraordinary courage, but the reality is that whenever you chose the hard thing, you are being brave. Whenever you refuse to give in to whatever tries to bring you down, you are being brave. Whenever you say no to something wrong, you are being brave. Whenever you love someone more than yourself, you are being brave. Whenever you share the vulnerable pieces of your heart, you are being brave. Whenever you laugh when you could cry instead, you are being brave. Whenever you say yes when you want to say no, you are being brave.

You are brave.

It's time to recognize that small, everyday acts can be acts of bravery, and I hope you join me in starting to see the bravery all around you. I hope this made you realize what a brave girl you are. Yes, it is true. 

Love,
Clarissa

The Wintery Weather Tag

Thank you to my friend Musicgirl121 for tagging me in this post!!

FAVORITE CANDLE SCENT?

Hmm. I don't really burn candles, but I like sweet scents, like sugar cookie, pumpkin pie, etc. I don't really have a favorite though













COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE?

Tea. I usually drink hot red or chai tea in the winter, but I love drinking iced green tea in the summer.













WHAT IS YOUR BEST FALL MEMORY?

Oh! I know! In the fall of 2014, my drama class performed The Other Side. I wrote the play and performed the lead role and it was freaking amazing. After the last scene, me and my main scene partner stood onstage in the dark for a moment. As the applause started, we squeezed each other's hand before walking off. It was absolutely the best night of my life.




BEST FRAGRANCE FOR FALL?

Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger....all mixed together for cookies or something.














FAVORITE THANKSGIVING FOOD?

Sweet potato casserole. I mean, come on. It has brown sugar, spices, and marshmallows. It's amazing.














WHAT IS AUTUMN WEATHER WHERE YOU LIVE?

It has a gorgeous light that somehow makes the world feel good, and it has a nice temperature of not being hot, but also not being too cold. And the leaves fall and blow along the street.













MOST WORN SWEATER?

If sweatshirts count, my senior Unshaken sweatshirt. If not, I guess this gray sweater that I just bought this year. It's so soft and comfy and I can wear leggings with it.

FOOTBALL GAMES OR JUMPING IN LEAF PILES?

Is that even a choice? Football all the way, baby!! I have been watching football since I was in my mom's tummy. And football is literally on right now. #GoBroncos









SKINNY JEANS OR LEGGINGS?

Definitely leggings. They're so much more comfortable, plus skinny jeans don't look great on me.


COMBAT BOOTS OR UGGS?

Neither I guess? I pretty much only wear my black heeled boots in autumn/winter, so...



IS PUMPKIN SPICE WORTH THE HYPE?

Not exactly. I mean, I love pumpkin and everything, but why obsess over it?


BEST FALL TV SHOW?

I don't really watch TV shows.


WHAT SONG GETS YOU IN THE FALL SPIRIT?

That's a tough question.....I don't really have one, but "Peppermint Winter" by Owl City gets me into the winter spirit. That sorta counts.


HATS OR SCARVES?

I don't really wear either, but I'm starting to wear more scarves.


#1 FAVORITE THING ABOUT FALL?

Not sure.....for me, I kinda feel like fall is a new beginning because it's the start of a new school year. Last year, fall started my senior year. This year, fall started my first college semester. So I guess it's like beginning for me.

I will just randomly pick Abbiee @ AbbieeMusicBlog because she would just do such a cozy post.

~Clarissa

My WIP Shadows: The Inspiration

One of my friends recently asked me what the inspiration was for my current WIP, Shadows. Today I am going to try to piece that story together as best I can. First, some background on this story for those aren't familiar with it.

Genre: Futuristic. Not quite dystopian, not quite sci-fi, not quite romance. I used to classify it as suspense, but the pacing isn't really right for that (but maybe it will be after edits).

Word Count: 75,247

Synopsis: Lila Osweil lives in a city full of shadows, but she has never bothered to learn what they hide. All she can focus on is how to escape her abusive father and run away into the arms of her childhood sweetheart Jacob. When Jacob tells her of the government's offer to give  her freedom if she becomes an agent for them, Lila accepts. But frightening visions that begin after her father nearly has Jacob killed haunt her, and as she begins her training, everything and everyone she knows begins to twist around her until Lila can no longer determine what is real and what isn't.

When I was first asked what inspired this novel, I really couldn't think of anything. The following story is my attempt at explaining how my brain comes up with ideas.


It was the spring of my junior year and I was sitting in economics class, rather bored by what my teacher was talking about because it wasn't curriculum and I didn't need to take notes on it because it was only for "edification". (Just a note, this teacher was my favorite teacher, but even he couldn't make economics interesting). I turned to the back of my notebook and starting writing a random thing. I had always wanted to start a book right in the middle of the action with a dramatic sentence. That turned into the now beginning of Shadows:

      "I scream, and scream as they drag Jacob away."

I think I only wrote a little more than a paragraph that day. I wrote around 3 more pages, but then it just sat in my notebook until I decided to take the idea and turn it into my NaNoWriMo project. I wanted a book that was full of twists and turns, secrets and shadows, confusion and terror. Okay, that was a bit dramatic and far-fetched, but it's doing pretty good I think.

Shadows has actually turned into a novel whose protagonist is the most like me that I've ever written. Her greatest struggle is one that I myself have struggled with so much. The things she experiences mirror my own scars. It contains probably my most beloved male character. And it contains a message that I try my best to follow and encourage others in.

So this book that arose out of boredom and a desire to be dramatic has turned into a story that I am super excited to finish (seriously, the plot twists are gonna be EPIC.......I hope).

Hopefully you enjoyed a look into the background of my WIP.!

~Clarissa

Thanksgiving: It's the Little Things

It's Thanksgiving. It's the day where everyone posts pictures of family and food and says what they're thankful for. And today is a day that I'm struggling to be thankful. It's been a hard year. Should I really give thanks for all the pain that's come my way? Then I remember I'm a writer. And just like a book, life comes in chapters. True, this chapter isn't my favorite. BUT. I am breathing. I can see. I can hear. I can taste. I can touch. I can smell. I can use every limb of my body. I have two parents and they are still married. I have friends who care about me. I have a job. I have the ability to go to college. I have a Savior who died for me. It is in moments like this where God reminds me that it's the little things. I do have so much to be thankful for. I can be thankful for the amazing chapters, and the mediocre ones, and the painful ones because they're just chapters. They are not my whole story. I have a life that is being woven into a story more beautiful than I could ever imagine, and I am thankful.

Get To Know Me Tag

Thanks to one of my blogger friends to doing this tag so I could do it!

Here's an info dump about me.........never mind that info dumps are a big no in writing.

VITAL STATS


Full Name: Clarissa Joy Mosemann

Nickname: Clare

Birthday: June 13, 1999  (I was born in a different century!)

Place of Birth: Colorado Springs, Colorado

Star Sign: not into that stuff

Occupation: receptionist and college student


APPEARANCE

Hair color: Brown

Hair length: almost to my hips

Eye color: Brown

Best feature: my eyes (according to my own opinion)

Braces: thank heavens those days are over

Piercings: 1 in each ear

Tattoos: None

Righty or lefty: righthanded



FIRSTS

Best Friend: Abigail Hodges. 13 years later, she's still my best friend.

Award: I'm going to guess the little trophy I got for soccer when I was 7.

Sport: Soccer. That was very short lived

Real Holiday: Fourth of July? Thanksgiving if you're going for the first big holiday.

Concert: Steven Curtis Chapman in Orlando when I was like 8 or something.


FAVORITES

Film: The Chronicles of Narnia series

TV Show: ummmm......Star Trek Voyager

Color: Black

Song: don't ask me to do the impossible

Restaurant: hmm. Panera Bread

Shop: Ross?

Books: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover

Shoes: My black heeled boots


CURRENTLY

Feeling: A mixture of depressed and happy. Don't ask me how that's possible. It just is.

Single or Taken? Single

Eating: Nothing, but I just finished a mint

Thinking about: something too personal to share

Watching: um, nothing since I'm writing this blog post

Wearing: black jeans, ribbed maroon shirt, and my black jacket


FUTURE

Want kids? HECK YES. (please someone comment about this)

Want to be married? Absolutely

Career in mind: Author

Where you want to live: Fresno?


DO YOU BELIEVE IN

God: Absolutely. I still will never be able to fathom how people look at this world and don't think there is a God.

Miracles: Yes

Love at First Sight: No. I believe in attraction at first sight, but not love

Ghosts: No

Aliens: other than people who like math? No

Soul mates: Sort of

Heaven: Yes

Hell: Yes

Kissing on the First Date: HECK NO

Yourself: It's a journey. Some days yes, some days no



Comment below!
~Clarissa

How's the Writing Going?

This post was stolen off of my friend's blog, and I thank her (she knows who she is). This post is supposed to be for NaNoWriMo, but since I'm not doing NaNo, it'll just be about my current novels. Oh yeah, you read that right. You get to hear about both of them.


     Overall, how's your mental state and how is your novel going?

Shadows: I'm rather frustrated that I am not writing this one very much, and also frustrated because I just want to get to the climax and I want things to happen and my characters to get what they want but so much stuff has to happen before I can write those things. UGH. So the novel isn't going great, because it's not exactly going right now. #busy

The Blood Oath: Still as much in love with this book as the day my friend and I started writing it. I am so excited to finish it, but I know I'm also going to be sad because you can never get back the experience of writing your first draft. But it's going pretty good. My friend and I write about once a week, and we usually write around 1,500 to 2,000 words a session.


     What's your first sentence (or paragraph)? 

Shadows: "I scream, and keep screaming as they drag Jacob away."

The Blood Oath: "Esterlyn's breath came hard and fast as her feet flew over the sand."

     Who's your current favorite character in your novel?

Shadows: Ugh, so hard to choose! But I guess I'm going to have to go with Kent. He's so quiet, and mysterious, and handsome, and deep. I love him so much.

The Blood Oath: Esterlyn. Duh. I mean Hanilov is great too, but Esterlyn is my sweet, fierce, passionate, beautiful, strong, vulnerable and amazing heroine.


     What do you love about your novel so far?

Shadows: I love writing in first person as Lila and getting into her messy tangle of a head that is very much like mine. I love writing those moments between her and someone else #spoilers I love the web of secrets and the plot twists that I'm building up to. I can't wait!!

The Blood Oath: I love #spoilers. I love writing it with my friend. I love #spoilers. Haha sorry, but I can't ruin anything!


     Have you made any hilarious typos?

Shadows: No, but I have written something else entirely different than what I wanted to because i was either listening to or thinking about something else.

The Blood Oath: oh my word yes. I was writing about a character and I meant to say they shifted but instead I wrote shited and I cracked up so hard!!! (that's the s word in Scotland).


     What's your favorite to write: beginning, middle, or end? Why?

The beginning because it's the start of a grand adventure. But also the end because you're finishing it (!!!) and that last sentence is just so indescribably amazing to write.


     What are your writing habits? Do you have a specific snack? Do you listen to music? What time of day do you write best?

I don't usually eat while I'm writing, but if I am, it's always bite sized stuff like skittles, chocolate chips, chips because I like to keep something in my mouth. I don't usually listen to music, but a lot of times I do for a "big scene" or if I feel particularly writerish and cozy. Ironically, I'm listening to music right now. As for a time of day, I feel like afternoon or evening.


     How private are you about your novel when you're writing it?

Not private at all. I have an email list that is sent my work chapter by chapter. The exception has been The Blood Oath because all that's been released from that is a synopsis and a teaser scene.


      What keeps you writing when it's hard?

The knowledge that this is what I'm meant to do, and that it's the only thing that's going to make me happy all the time. It's how I deal with life and I need it. It's how I'm going to bring the light that is so desperately needed in this world.


     Top 3 pieces of writing advice?

#1. Write what you're afraid of. Write about those things that nobody wants to write about. Write about your fears. Write about your wounds and your scars.

#2. Write when you are not inspired to. I once saw a quote that said "inspiration is for amateurs." Sound harsh? It's true. You must write when you don't want to or don't feel like it. It will make you a better writer, and I promise that 99% of the time, amazing things come when you push yourself. That other 1% of the time, just take the break. You must need it.

#3. Don't compare yourself to other writers. Only you can write like you. Sure, read things and gain insight and lessons from that writing, but don't put yourself down in the process.

~Clarissa

The Early Writings Tag

     First, thank you to Abbiee for this tag! Since I stole this from her, it's only proper that you check out her blog here. She had 5 books that she wrote as a child that were horrendous, but alas, I was not so accomplished at a young age. So today, I'm just going to be talking about the one and only horrendous book that I wrote.


Lingering On (originally Sea Hatred)



The Book:

A romantic drama that reached about 35,000 words.



The Plot:

• Andromeda is a perfect protagonist: gorgeous, lives by the sea in a beautiful house, has an adoring family,  has the amazing and handsome boyfriend, and a lifetime of happiness on the horizon
• The story opens with Will, her boyfriend, proposing to her at sunset on the beach.......that's not cliche at all right? (right.) 
• The story continues with all sorts of subplots that add basically nothing to the story. They include: 
• an abused best friend
• a lesbian aunt
• a girl that somehow remained a virgin through a horrible marriage and reunites with Andromeda's brother, her first love
• Andromeda's sister being dumped
• A dramatic to the death duel between Will and someone his family has a feud with

*And I was twelve when I started this????*

• The day before her wedding, Andromeda, Will, and her family take a boat ride to celebrate.

• A storm comes up and everyone DIES except for Andromeda. 
• Andromeda sinks into deep depression 
• Andromeda moves away to the city, vowing to never love again. That isn't cliche either. 

 I suppose an excellent question would be this: what was the inspiration for this? I'm not sure I can really pinpoint the source. Part of it was to write a story about a girl who turns her back on God to the point where she denies His existence, but eventually finds her way back to Him. Part of it was the desire to write a tragedy. Part of it was the appeal of a girl who loses absolutely everything and yet somehow finds the strength to love again.

What I Learned:

• You may have to completely rewrite 3/4 of your novel in order to make it a decent piece of literature -I started writing this when I was 12, and picked it up again when I was 14 hence the rewrite. 
• The original theme that you started out with may grow and mature with the story, and that's okay. Don't be afraid to let the story change because of that. 
• You really need to pick and choose your subplots and make them relevant to the story, or the protagonist's journey. They shouldn't be just fluff
• Make your character relatable. This is probably the most important one. They have to make mistakes. They have to have flaws. Their struggles have to be true and real. 

Conclusion:

I still like the original theme of this book, and with the title of Lingering, I think the story could be a a story that has very personal inspiration behind it. I want to pick it up again someday.

~Clarissa

Struggling With Depression Does Not Make You A Bad Christian

     Yep, that's right. Today we're going to talk about the D-word. Depression. It's a scary word most of the time. It's a word that people like to avoid both when they ask how someone is doing, and when people describe how they're feeling.

     Somehow this word carries a stigma that says something is wrong with you and that you must not be trying hard enough to feel good. For Christians, it can be even worse. "Just reach out to God" "He's there for you" "Just pray". These are good things, but people can throw out these phrases as if they are the magical, easy solution for climbing out of depression. They can judge you and make it seem like you're a bad Christian because if you were truly walking with God, you wouldn't be depressed.

     Let me just say that my walk with God sucks sometimes. I don't read my Bible, and I forget to pray because I stayed up late doing something I wanted to do. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a "bad" Christian. It might mean I'm not a strong Christian, but those two things are not the same. But that's beside the point. Christians can struggle with depression, and today I'm going to talk about my struggle with it.

     This post is written partially to bring awareness and understanding to a topic that is still a bit taboo, and also bring hope and encouragement to any Christian who might feel guilty about being depressed.

     First, let me say that depression varies in how it affects people, and this is strictly my personal experience. Also let me say that by no means have I had the severest form of depression, and I can't imagine what it's like for the people who do.

    The first time I really started being depressed was probably the same time as when it hits a lot of other people: freshman year of high school. That was the time where my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth were at an all time low. There was a lot of pain that started coming to the surface and I drowned in it. I was wounded, and I acted like it.

     I listened to songs like "Falling in the Black" by Skillet and wrote poems with lyrics like these:

"The pain that visits/My heart each night/Silently destroying/The soul within me.

      I wanted to do a dance to "Falling in the Black" for a home school talent show and when my parents listened to it, they said the lyrics were too dark and that it wasn't good for me to be listening to it. I remember wanting to scream at them when they told me that. "Why do you think I'm listening to it?!"

     This brings me to my first symptom: isolation. Depression makes you feel very isolated. You could be hanging out with friends you love and even laugh and joke around but you can still feel like you're on an island and they're miles away. You feel very alone. You feel like no one can help you and that makes you not ask for help or tell anyone.

     This is where it ties into the Christian walk: God feels very distant. When I was depressed, don't you think I knew God was there? I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel Him. And to be completely honest, I blamed Him sometimes. I screamed at Him about why was I allowed to go through all of this pain. Still couldn't feel Him. I couldn't feel Him holding me.

     But since I'm on the other side of that dark time, I can share a secret with you: He is so close to you. He is holding your hand and guiding you through to the other side. That time taught me so much about myself and took me to a place of healing and confidence that I don't think I could have otherwise. It was overwhelming, but I was forced to confront the pain of my childhood and push through the fears until I could let go of my wounds. God can use these times and even allow them in order to bring us closer to Him.

     But please, don't tell us that "God is there" in a way that sounds like we are not pressing into Him. We are trying. We are screaming His name, but we feel so alone. Yes, we may need a loving reminder, but that is different.

     We may seem like we're not much fun to be around or that we're never going to "snap out of it" but I promise you that you are helping. You are getting us through. To all my friends who listened to my broken rants and read my dark poetry, thank you. Thank you so much. I only realized now how much you guys put up with. That was a time when I needed people to love me the most.

     Now I'm going to transition to a different time in my life and a different type of depression. Apathy and numbness is often another symptom of depression. You simply don't care. You don't feel anything and yet it still sucks. You want to feel better, but at the same time you can't make an effort to do so. People are like, "just pray and ask God to help you feel better". Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't even do it cuz I just don't care.

     Depression can cause a severe lack of energy, where you don't feel like doing anything, even things that would probably make you feel better. I don't want to go to church, but every time I do, I feel encouraged and refreshed. It gets me through the week, even though a lot of times that same afternoon I will feel depressed again.

     Most of the time, though, a depressed person can worship God just as purely as someone who isn't depressed. Just because they're depressed doesn't mean God won't accept their praise and worship. Perhaps the hardest part about depression is that most of the time, you have no idea why you're depressed. There isn't a specific reason, and that makes it hard to fight because you don't have a cause to fight against.

     To every Christian that struggles with depression: I encourage you to educate your loved ones about what you're going through. Let them know what exactly it is you're feeling (or not feeling). Let them know how you're walking through it with God.

     Only through awareness will we break the misconceptions that cause the hurtful comments I've mentioned throughout this post.

     To every Christian that struggles with depression: You are not less of a Christian because you struggle to move past this. God loves you, and He will desire to bring you closer to Him through this. He knows it's painful. He knows it sucks.

     Yes, praying and reading your Bible might be difficult, but we can do it. Find people who encourage and help you break through with your walk that often seems blocked by depression. Depression is a powerful thing that needs to be fought with something equally powerful: prayer.

      Know that you can use your depression to draw closer to God and learn lessons that you could never learn otherwise. Depression, especially among Christians, is something that needs to be talked about.

     It needs to have awareness so that people don't have to deal with the fear of talking about it like I did. It needs to be understood so that people aren't ashamed or don't feel guilty about being a Christian who struggles with depression.

     I know it's scary. I know it's hard. But please, join me in sharing your story.

~Clarissa

Suffocating Friendships

     This is a post that is tough for me to write. It might sound mean. It might sound cruel. It might sound selfish. But I'm going to write it anyway because it has gripped me around the throat for far too long, and I am done suffocating. I am ready to breathe again.
      This post is about friendships. A certain type of friendship. A friendship that hurts you. And you might not even realize it. This post is probably going to end up being partially a rant and partially a plea and I'll probably throw some advice in there too.
     This year has been a tough year for me, as far as friendships go. My friends mean the world to me, and sometimes it feels like they mean more to me than my family does (that isn't how it's supposed to be, but that's life people). So when I lose friends, or my friendships change, it's pretty hard on me.
     Now, I already wrote earlier this year about losing a best friend (you can read that here). While that is very painful, the friendship I'm going to talk about today causes a pain that is not readily apparent.

      I call this the suffocating friendship.

     I recently realized after a get together with friends that I didn't have fun. Mind you, this wasn't the first time. The problem was, the previous times I had thought that there was something off inside me that was preventing me from having a good time. Being as emotional as I am, it is pretty common that the not having fun factor is myself, but I finally realized that this was not the case.
     This is the first example of a suffocating friendship. When you can only sit and listen to a conversation that doesn't include you, it's not fun. Now, I'm not saying that you should never tolerate conversations that don't include you. It's going to happen, and everyone does is guilty of it. I've done it. The difference is when the people continue to do it time after time, and it becomes apparent that they don't care that they are excluding others (you).
     Now, why do I call this suffocating? Well, shortly after the aforementioned get together, I went out with some different friends. And I came away from that get together feeling good. Feeling happy. I giggled and messed around and enjoyed myself. I felt like I was there for my friends, and they were there for me. It felt like a breath of fresh air.

     The second example of a suffocating friendship comes from a series of conversations I had with a friend. I was staying up late and talking about their problems, and waking up tired the next day. I love being there for my friends emotionally, and it's very hard for me to turn people down. However, this friendship felt very one-sided because whenever I would talk to this friend about my problems, their response was never in-depth, sacrificial, or helpful. *Just a side note: sometimes friends have different needs when they're going through tough times and that should be something friends should learn about each other* I felt drained, and I wasn't being filled back up.
     The contrast is an email conversation I had with a different friend where one of us started out talking through our problems, and that opened us up into exploring similarities in our struggles and we went back and forth discussing them and offering encouragement. It helped.

     The third example developed over multiple instances, but eventually it came to a head as I realized just how tired it was making me. I was the one making the effort, initiating conversations, planning things, making them happen, and trying to think of things to say. And I was tired. I was so tired. I stopped making an effort. The friend didn't make an effort. But you know what? I've learned to be okay with that.
     Thank you to all the friends who text me first, say you miss me, plan get togethers and make an effort. I appreciate it more than you know.

      As I think about what I've written, I am afraid that this is completely selfish. I am afraid that I overreacted in every one of the situations I described. I am afraid that is wrong to stop making an effort. But I tell that voice to be quiet. Because while friendships are hard, and they require work, and sacrifice, and time, and effort, they are a two-way relationship. If you are:

      1. Not having a good time when you hang out with this friend,

      2. Are being excluded for sustained periods of time by this friend,

      3. Are giving of yourself and receiving nothing in return,

       4. Are feeling drained from making a constant effort to maintain the friendship, 

       please prayerfully consider extricating yourself from this relationship. It is not selfish to take a stand against something that is hurting your emotional and mental health. Is it going to hurt? Yes. Are you going to want to blame yourself? Maybe. Will you feel guilty? Possibly. Is it the healthy thing to do? Yes.

       This was not an easy post to write, but it needed to be written. I hope this helps.

~Clarissa

    

The Courtship Book Tag

     I stole this tag from my friend Brittany's blog because it looked really cool and it'll give you some insight into what kind of books I love and the writing styles I like. I also find the set up an interesting analogy. Here goes.

    

 

     Initial Attraction (a book you bought because of the cover): Jane Eyre. I had already read this book when I bought this edition, but I was looking for a copy to buy and I chose this one because of the pretty cover.

First Impressions (a book you got because of the summary): The One Memory of Flora Banks. I haven't read this book yet, but I want to read it because of the synopsis.

Sweet Talk (a book with great writing): The Book Thief. This book has amazing writing. It's so poetic and full of imagery with a healthy dose of sarcasm and dry humor. Plus it's narrated by Death.

First Date (the first book of a series which made you want to pursue the rest of the series): The Final Empire - Mistborn #1. Brandon Sanderson is a fantastic (seriously) writer and Vin remains one of my top two favorite characters of his. She's so awesome. And so is Kelsier. It's just an awesome book and an awesome series.

Late Night Phone Calls (a book that kept you up all night long): The Lunar Chronicles: Winter. Because I just had to get to the climax and see how everything turned out!!!!! It's the last book in the series after all.

Always on My Mind (a book you could not stop thinking about): Ender's Game. I remember being in awe that Orson Scott Card could create a character like Ender that was so incredibly complex and wise and knowledgeable. This book also has so many nuggets for thought about pain and love and war.

Getting Physical (a book in which you love the way it feels): The Revenge of the Sith. I like it because it's small and I can hold it and palm it easily. It's a paperback and it's bendy and worn and highlighted and loved because it's one of the best books ever. It really should go as an answer for Sweet Talk along with The Book Thief because Matthew Stover's writing is freaking amazing. This book is the only one I've highlighted and dogeared and it grabs my heart every time I read it even though I've read it like fifteen times.

Meeting the Parents (a book you would recommend to your friends and family): The Bronze Bow. It's suitable for pretty much any age, and it's such a beautiful story of forgiveness set in the time of Jesus.

Thinking about the Future (a book you know you'll re-read many times in the future): Anne of Green Gables series. Especially Anne of the Island and Rilla of Ingleside. This is in addition to the ones that I already mentioned that I've read more than once.


Thank you guys so much for reading! And thanks for the tag Brittany!

~Clarissa

My Plot Bunnies

If you're a writer, you're probably no stranger to the phenomenon called "the plot bunny." Most writers have a love/hate relationship with plot bunnies. They're often wonderful, fascinating ideas that grab you and demand your attention. And a lot of the time, they seem much more interesting than your current WIP.

When I was younger, I had a lot of beginnings of novels lying around that I started and never finished. As I got older, I've learned to write the idea down but suppress its tug on me to continue working on my current project. My thinking is, if it's a novel worth writing, the magic will still be there when you pick it up again. Plot bunnies may seem irresistible, but if you want to finish anything, resist them! Unless you're a superhuman writer who can work on multiple projects at once and still finish them. AKA not really me or any of my writer friends.

But nevertheless, we love our plot bunnies, and today I thought I would show you some of mine! I hope you enjoy :)

Title: Mutata Bellator

Genre: Science Fiction

Word Count: 1,200

Summary: War. It has been around since the beginning of time. Each time, weapons have become more and more technologically advanced. Until one army decided to go back to the roots of warfare: mankind. Maisie and Jack are part of Project Bellator, which has given them abilities that make them super soldiers. But when Jack discovers they are to be terminated, he and Maisie must escape. On the run in a world that does not accept them, it seems impossible that they will ever find the one thing they've always wanted: peace.

Title: Chance Encounter

Genre: Historical Fiction

Word Count: 1,690

Summary: I don't have a synopsis right now that would do it justice.

Title: Hidden Hearts

Genre: Fantasy

Word Count: Undetermined

Summary: Alendil is a beautiful woman. And a deadly warrior. She has no time for love, for she fights to keep her people safe like her father could not do when she was five years old. Now she buries the dark memories in battle. Rodin has everything he could want: a doting family, the glory of a handsome warrior, and the promise of one day becoming king. But one thing stays out of his reach: the heart of the woman he loves. When Rodin's beloved younger sister is taken captive by warriors with a connection to Alendil's past, the two set out to find them. Could it be that this journey might uncover their hidden hearts?


I hope you guys enjoyed this post! I hope to make each of these plot bunnies into novels someday.

~Clarissa

"Caged"

     Hi guys. Here I am again, having not posted in awhile. My excuse is that I've been pretty exhausted lately. Anyway, I thought that I would share another one of my poems with you. If you don't like depressing things, I would suggest not reading this.
     This poem is called "Caged" and it was captured because of a moment, but I think it also sums up how I have felt throughout my life. I have often felt trapped, like I cannot be myself, or I have no choice. It is very hard feeling like you are in a cage, and there is no key or even lock. It is simply something you cannot break free of.
     One of the things that I've tried to learn is to appreciate even the small moments of freedom. I have also tried to learn how to be free within my cage, which is a rather contradictory sentence. However, it is possible. But this poem doesn't speak of that. It speaks of the most helpless moments in my life. Maybe later I can write a more hopeful poem. But right now, this is me.

     "Caged"

Deeper and deeper 

Into the floor I sink

Chains no longer strain

In freedom desperation

I lay my head down

Submission finds my soul

Through my walls tears slip

Overwhelming helplessness holds them

Suffocating and drowning

My mind and soul hide

Bars hold everything in

Longing to be outside

Powerless to resist

Rules set long ago

Determine my fate

I am caged

~Clarissa

Identity: Who We Are

        Identity. A place to belong. Somewhere to fit in. A definition of who you are. Some people spend their whole lives trying to find it.
        Identity is usually a label. Jock. Gamer. Nerd. Dancer. Musician. Writer.
        Writer is what I used to identify myself as. I would use it to explain my character traits. I would use it as an excuse for behavior others found weird. I would use it as a way in socially. I used it to identify myself.
         I thought that if I found other writers, I would find my place to belong. I sought out other writers because I thought, if I find other writers, I will be understood. I'll make an automatic friend!
         And then, as I began to meet more writers, I realized something. Writers are a very diverse group of people. We come from different backgrounds. We have different beliefs. We have different personalities. We just happen to have one thing in common: a passion for characters, plot outlines, Pinterest, a fresh twist to an old story......you get the idea. We're all writers, but that's not who we are. I'm not going to end up friends with someone simply because they're a writer.
         There are many Christian articles about this topic, but I'm not quite sure they say what they mean to. They all say the same thing. And I'm sure we've gotten the advice from at least one friend: find your identity in Christ. But what does that actually mean? Does that mean my new identity (label) is Christian?
        Throughout high school, most people go on an often difficult journey of discovering who they are. I know I did. Once I found out who I was, I gained confidence. (If you want to read my post on confidence, it's here). And the key to having confidence is loving yourself.
          And that, my friends, is the answer to the identity question.
          Your identity is you. It is as simple and complex as that.
           In a way, those articles are correct. Your identity is in Christ because the most important part of you is that you are a child of God. In a way, your label may be correct. I am a writer. But there is so much more to you than that. You are a grand, amazing, beautiful, tangle of you.
          Identity is a funny thing. If I say that my identity is a writer, but you take everything else of me away, I would no longer be me. On the other hand, if you took that writer part of me away, I would also no longer be me.
          There is nothing wrong with finding people who have the same passions as you and surrounding yourself with them. Just don't be afraid to be friends with people who don't share that passion. There is also nothing wrong with identifying with a certain label or personality type or genre or anything. But you can't let it define you.
           People often use identity as a way to hide their insecurity about themselves. Ashamed of knowing so much about Star Wars, people will laugh it off and be like, oh yeah I'm a nerd. That hides the fact that they feel embarrassed about this particular part of themselves. Embrace yourself, your whole self. 
           No one fits in a box. No one can truly color inside the lines. No one completely fits a label. No two people have the same identity. You are you.

~Clarissa
       

Fiction Q and A

I did a Q and A about writing related things, but this Q and A is more about reading, movies, and the like. I hope you guys enjoy!


1. Who is your current book crush?
       WOLF!!!! He's from Marissa Meyer's series The Lunar Chronicles. Fantastic series. I highly recommend it. It's four fairy tale retellings (Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel, and Snow White) that are all woven together in the most amazing way.

2. Who would you rather hang out with for a day: Lila, Kent, Jacob, or Alya?
         For those of you who don't know, those are the main characters from my book Shadows. I would probably say Alya. She's super bubbly and fun.

3. What was the last fandom you fell into?
         I've recently come to love Agents of Shield, but I wouldn't say I'm quite in the fandom. Therefore the answer is probably The Lunar Chronicles or Brandon Sanderson. Not sure which came first.

4. What is your biggest reading pet peeve?
         Umm.....not sure how to answer this one. Regarding story pet peeves, I hate lack of character development. HATE IT.

5. Bookmarks or turning down the edge of the page?
        Bookmarks. If you can call the hold slips from the library bookmarks.

6. Hardcover or paperback?
         Paperback. Exception is some older books or for some reason, I really wanted The Lunar Chronicles hardcover, so I bought the whole series that way.

7. Would you rather be forced to read a book that doesn't have a sequel and never will or a book that doesn't need a sequel but has one?
         The latter, most definitely.

8. Thomas, Newt, or Minho?
          I haven't read the books in awhile, but.....Thomas? I really liked Minho's sarcasm, and Newt was great too. But I guess Thomas.

9. If Hufflepuff didn't exist, which Hogwarts House would you be in?
           Considering that I haven't read Harry Potter, I have no idea haha.

10. What three books would you take with you on a trip to Mars to help you pass the time?
           Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, and The Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson.

11. Where in Middle Earth would you like to visit?
            I guess either Rivendale or The Shire.

12. If you could only read three books for the rest of your life, what would they be?
           THAT'S TOO HARD.

13. What is your favorite movie you've seen this year?
            Oh gosh. Conspiracy Theory was really good, as was Gladiator. Young Victoria was also a favorite.

14. Have you ever fallen in love or hated one of your own characters?
            I don't think I've hated any of my characters. I have fallen in love with Esterlyn and Hanilov, the protagonists from The Blood Oath.

15. Which fictional place would you like to visit?
            Narnia!!! 

~Clarissa 

Writing Q and A

 Since I haven't posted in awhile, I asked my friends to give me questions to answer for a blog post. These are only the questions that had to do with writing. There will be more posts with more questions answered. Hopefully you get to learn a little more about me through these ten questions. Enjoy!

1. What are your ideal qualities in a villain?
       I was actually startled by this one, and I had to think about it for awhile. I would say the most important quality in a villain is motivation. There has to be a believable reason for why they see the world in the twisted way that they do. I like villains that make you believe, even if just for a second, that they could be right. Villains should raise hard questions because most things aren't black and white in this world. I also think that villains should cause the protagonist to question themselves.

2. What was the first story idea you ever had?
       If you want to go way way back, the first idea I had was about a girl who went to a "one person party." I dictated it to my mom when I was around four or five. But if you're talking about something a little more concrete, I think "Opposites" was. It came from a story I acted out with my dollhouse. Want the synopsis? Sure why not.....it'll be great to embarrass myself!
       Leigh Ann and Charlotte have two very different lives. Leigh Ann is a lonely rich society girl. Charlotte is poor, but happy because of the close relationships she shares with her mother and brother. While her parents are away, Leigh Ann is allowed to see Charlotte. But when her parents come home, Leigh Ann has to keep her friendship with Charlotte secret. So as they can't visit Leigh Ann's house, she begins to see more of Charlotte's life. Leigh Ann soon comes to realizations that will change her perspectives, but can she find the courage to tell her parents before something terrible happens to Charlotte and her family?
     I know, it sucks and it's cliche, but cut me some slack. I was like ten when I wrote that.

3. Which of your books has the most flail-worthy cover?
         Well, considering that I haven't really thought at all about book covers, I'm going to say Shadows. Just because it's dark and mysterious and cool.

4. If you couldn't write your novels by hand, how would you cope?
          I love writing my novels by hand. Don't ask me why, I just do. I have had to write on the computer only for NaNoWriMo because there was no way I had time to handwrite and then type on the computer. I guess I would cope by just getting used to it, but I would reaaaaaalllly miss my hand written manuscripts.

5. What is the hardest thing about writing for you?
         I don't really know. Probably the fact that sometimes what is in my head simply WILL NOT translate onto the paper! Also I think that it's hard to love something this much and always have the thought in the back of your mind that it may not work out into anything for you.

6. What is your favorite thing about writing?
          I can't even begin to express this answer in words. Falling in love with the characters, going on a journey with them, learning about yourself and who you are through writing, spilling out your heart into your story, wrestling with ideas and challenges through the plot, etc.

7. Do you listen to music when you write?
         Not usually, which might seem kinda surprising. I have listened to music for certain scenes though, when I want the extra emotional kick. Usually that piece of music becomes associated with that scene. For example, Rue's Farewell (from Hunger Games) will always be connected with the last chapter of my completed novel.

8. When starting to write something new, do you think of the entire plot first or go in from the beginning and see where it takes you?
         I normally have the ending in mind when I write a story and usually the general arc of the story, but I never know exactly what is going to happen. I let the characters take over. I'm mostly a pantser, so I don't use outlines very much.

9. What was the first official story that you wrote?
          Lingering On was the first official book that I wrote. I think I started when I was around twelve or so, let it drop, and then picked it up back up (rewriting what I already had) when I was fourteen. It has since fallen by the wayside, but who knows, I may eventually complete it.

10. How was your writing style changed?
          I can tell you that it has, but I'm not sure I can tell you exactly how. I think the most noticeable thing is that I'm not quite as dramatic and flowery as I used to be. And it just has become more mature as I've gotten older and written more.

Shout out to all the people who gave me these questions!

~Clarissa

National Stuttering Awareness Week

This week is National Stuttering Awareness Week, and I thought I'd do a post about stuttering because one of my best friends sometimes stutters. Before I met him, I'd never known anyone who stuttered and as such I never thought about it. It just never entered my mind. As I got to know him, it became something that I felt strongly about both because I knew him and because of other people's reactions to it.

The first day I met him was in drama class and he was my first improv partner. He had to say the name of a dinosaur which I don't think I could even pronounce, and he stuttered. Even though it took him awhile to say the word, it never occurred to me to do anything but let him finish saying it. Why would I do anything else? "I stutter sometimes. Let me finish." This is one of the most important things when it comes to someone who stutters. What is your reason for wanting to finish their sentences or trying to "help" them not stutter? Impatience is one. In our fast-paced society, everyone is always in a hurry, even in conversation. Conversation should be meaningful and slow, something that we take time with. Being friends with someone who stutters has taught me patience and the value of listening. I'm not a patient person, and I regretfully admit that I have finished his words for him sometimes. I have always hated myself after I do it. My friend is an intelligent person. I should listen to him say what he wants to say because his words have worth and meaning. Most of the time. Sometimes he's just a goofball. Just because someone stutters doesn't mean they're stupid or inarticulate. Listen to what is said, not how it is said.

I think it was my first drama performance that my grandparents came to, and afterwards they mentioned the guy who stuttered. I remember that it made me so mad that all they could see was his stutter. How could they not see his awesome acting ability instead? Why do we always focus on what's "different" with people? Why don't we only see the talents and traits that make them unique and wonderful? People who stutter are not weak or impaired. I cannot imagine the guts that it would take to perform and speak in front of people with a stutter and seemingly not care what people think of it. I know that I would not have the courage or strength to do it. I would hide and avoid any instance of speaking in front of people. I'd be quiet in conversation. But my friend doesn't do that. He does what he's passionate about, and doesn't let his stutter stop him. He lets his thoughts and opinions be known. People who stutter still have dreams and goals and things they want to achieve and it's our job as people who care about them to support and encourage them in that.

I know that it can sometimes be awkward to interact with someone who has a stutter or something similar. At first, I couldn't maintain eye contact with him when he stuttered. But now that we are good friends, whenever he stutters, I simply keep looking at him and wait for him to finish. If we allow ourselves to be chained by a stereotype or a misconception or an inability to push past our own awkwardness, we could miss out on knowing some amazing people. The simple truth about someone who stutters is that they should be treated like everyone else. Why would you treat them any differently just because they stutter? Why would the stutter matter?

I met my friend almost four years ago, and in that time, he has gotten so much better with his stutter. He hardly stutters at all now. But you know what? I hardly noticed that change. I hardly noticed because his stutter never defined him. He is a godly, confident, kind, funny, and talented individual and that has nothing to do with his stutter.

Even though I don't say his name, I want him and everyone who reads this to know just how proud I am of him,  and his accomplishments, and his perseverance/hard work. And I am proud to be his friend.

~Clarissa

How to be Confident

Confidence is a beautiful word. Everyone wants to be confident, both in themselves and their abilities. But when you struggle with self-esteem and self-love, being confident can seem impossible.

First, let me tell you what confidence is not. True confidence is not flashy or loud. It isn't the I-don't-care attitude that masks insecurity. It isn't pride that takes joy in overshadowing others. It is not an "identity." What is it then? True confidence comes from within -from knowing and loving who you are.

I was not a confident child. I was shy. I didn't really have friends. I didn't have any faith in myself. Then high school hit. While I now had friends, I had zero confidence. I was deathly afraid of what people thought of me and I constantly sought affirmation. I was depressed. I was caught in a pit of darkness that included both my emotional pain and thoughts that told me all the things that were wrong with me. I didn't like who I was. I didn't feel that I was pretty, or had a good body, or had a fun personality. I was pretty much the opposite of confident.

About a year or two ago, I started realizing that somewhere along the road of discovering who I was, I became confident. I could say I loved myself and mean it. I accepted my flaws and realized that they made me who I was. While I can't tell you exactly how I arrived at my current confidence level because I literally just woke up one day to realize that I was confident, I think I can pick out a few things:

1. God/My church. During my dark days, God felt extremely far away and more than once I yelled at Him because of my pain. Fear is what keeps you from being confident and I had so many fears. Fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, and many more. Through multiple sermons, I was challenged to let go of my fears and though sometimes walking up to the altar was the hardest thing, it ultimately cured me. I hated going up there because I was afraid of what people would think of me, but that's why it removed my fear.

2. Sheer determination. The best example I can give of this is my acne. People without it can never understand what it's like to go through this. Trust me, I know, because before I got it, I didn't understand my best friend's struggles. There were days were I couldn't look in the mirror at myself. I'm not kidding. I would refuse to look at myself because I hated my reflection so much. But you know what? I forced myself  to look up and accept it. Every morning I would wake up, go to the mirror and look at the face staring back at me. I would smile and flip my hair, telling myself, you are beautiful. And it worked! Sure, there are days when I still don't feel pretty, but for the most part, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That makes me confident.

3. Happiness. When I wasn't confident, I listened too much to what other people told me. If a friend didn't think a color looked good on me, I wouldn't wear it. If my dad suggested I change something about the way I wrote, I would. But what I've learned is that if something makes you happy, then who cares about anything else? I recently bough a sweater that whenever I wore it would make me feel really cute and pretty. My mom told me she doesn't think it looks good on me. Did that hurt? Yes, of course. But I still wear it, because it makes me feel happy. If you're happy with yourself, you will be confident.

4. Acceptance/Contentment. I don't wear makeup so I can teach myself to feel beautiful just the way I am. I accept that God made me the way I am supposed to be, and I simply dismiss anyone who dislikes that person. (that isn't to say that I don't listen to friends pointing out character flaws I can work on). I rejoice in my talents and enjoy the ones that other people have instead of envying them. I refuse to listen to detrimental thoughts that I know are lies.  I am beautiful, talented, and awesome.

5. Challenges. Since fear causes you not to be confident, challenging yourself can bring up your confidence level. I love singing, but I didn't think I had a good voice. But after doing auditions for drama and joining choir, I discovered that while I might not be Celine Dion, I sound my best when I give it all I've got and don't hold back out of fear.

While ultimately becoming confident can take you down a long and painful road, it is a journey worth taking. You discover who you are and once you hold that knowledge, nothing can stop you.

I absolutely love these lyrics from Jordan Smith's song "Stand in the Light" and I think they are a fitting end for this post:

This is who I am inside
This is who I am I'm not gonna hide
Cause the greatest risk we'll ever take is by far
To stand in the light and be seen as we are
Stand in the light and be seen as we are

~Clarissa

Losing a Best Friend

Everyone knows that most friends don't stick around forever. They come and go in our lives, like waves breaking upon the shore. Most of us don't have the same friends now as we did when we were in middle school or maybe even junior high. I've had a lot of friends that have just drifted away because I followed the south wind, and they went north. Those separations occur naturally, and they don't hurt. But then there's those friends that we expect to stay around forever. We expect they'll be with us through college, marriage, kids, and even old age. And some will be. Those friends are amazing and we cherish them.

But what happens when one of those forever friends decides your friendship is over?

What do you do with the huge hole they leave?

Where are you supposed to put all the tears?

How do you go on?

Recently, one of my best friends told me she needs to take a break from our friendship because she has some problems with it. She no longer wishes to speak to me over email or texting and when we see each other in person, we will just be "chill." After breaking a two day silence, her explanation contained many hurtful statements about my shortcomings as a friend that had finally boiled over into her needing to take a break.

I have been friends with her since I was about twelve which would make it six years of friendship this year. I share everything with her from my test scores to my secret fantasies. I  talk to her from early in the morning to late at night every day. She knows me almost better than I know myself. We have our inside jokes and we can talk without words. She is usually one of the first people to hear any big news I had and usually the friend that I vent my emotions to. Now every single of those facts is past tense.

There's a empty space in my life the size of the Milky Way that no one can ever fill the way she did. I feel alone sometimes. The tears have mostly been spent, but I know there will be many moments when something will happen or someone will say something and the crack in my heart will reopen and bleed. I am at a loss for how to feel. Am I supposed to feel like a terrible friend? A terrible person? Am I supposed to take all the blame for this? Or am I supposed to believe that the split was even?

Losing one of your best friends is a wound that will take time to heal, and I think it hurts even more knowing that if we ever reconcile, our friendship can never be the same because of this. The best advice that I have for myself, and for anyone else who has gone through or is going through this, is to take time. Reach out to your other friends and let them lift you up. Grieve properly for your loss without beating yourself up about it. Reflect on who you are without that friendship and strengthen that person. And if the time comes, be willing to slowly build the friendship back up again.

~Clarissa

You've Got Snippets!

Well, since you asked my dear friends, my other posts have been put off for a post full of snippets from my current WIP Shadows. This novel may seem dark at times, but I promise there's a bright light at the end of the tunnel (and I did stick a lighthearted one in there). I'm just going to throw you in here without any explanation other than the synopsis you had in my previous post, because this novel is supposed to be confusing both for the reader and the protagonist, Lila. The snippets are in chronological order, though sometimes the space between them in the plot is not very big and sometimes it is. But anyway, enjoy and let me know your thoughts about the snippets themselves but then also Lila and the other characters!

My father whips me around to face him and slaps my face hard. I taste blood on my lip and I think of the blood that is covering Jacob’s face. Fire courses through my veins, and it gives me courage.

“You’re a murderer!” I shout at my father. “You killed Jacob!”

“You don’t understand anything,” he spits out.

My stomach caves in from his punch, and I double over in pain. A tremendous blow to my head causes my vision to go blur and then everything goes black. 

“Lila,” someone whispers into the stillness. “Lila.”

For a moment, I shudder and believe that I am hearing the voice again. Then a warm hand settles on my shoulder and I know it is Jacob. He gently pulls me back around a corner, keeping silent. When we stop, I turn around and see his face in the moonlight. He smiles and draws me close. With my face hidden against his chest, I let relief flood my features. He is alive. He whispers my name into my ear and a different kind of shiver runs through me. But his next words erase the brief feeling of happiness I’d experienced just a moment ago. 

When I open my eyes again, there is only a small bit of light coming from somewhere a ways away. I immediately tense and my hands go out in front of me to test the darkness surrounding me.

            “You are failing and he is too,” the voice whispers.

            I shut my eyes tightly and battle the instinct to curl up on the ground with my hands over my head to shut out whatever new horror the voice has come to show me.

            “Go see what you are causing him to endure,” the voice prods.

            I slowly walk towards the light and I realize what I am about to see. It is the same room as before, where Jacob sits in a chair. His hands are in steel cuffs and so are his feet. A hooded man stands before a steel tray with various torture devices. Once again, I cannot reach him though a barrier that I assume is reinforced glass. 

Boo!” Alya shouts in my ear.

I let out a surprised scream and my heart jumps. “Don’t do that,” I protest. “Unless you want to give me a heart attack.”

Alya grabs her heart and acts like she’s being electrocuted. “Oh, oh, oh!” She falls on the floor.

I clap my hands. “You get the award for worst heart attack ever.”

Alya acts offended. “How rude.” 

“Ah, here we are. Osweil, Sarah,” the woman says, reaching up to take down a file. “Let’s go back to the desk and look at it.”

            She gets me a chair from somewhere –I have no idea where –and then flips open the file. Her brow furrows and she rifles through the sheets. Then she meets my eyes, looking concerned.

            “I don’t know what to tell you, dear. Her file is empty.”

            My heart stops. “What?”

            She holds it up for me to see. “Her file is full of blank papers.”

I twirl the necklace around my finger as a dozen different opening sentences run through my head.

            “I should have never given you that,” my father says.

            I look down and realize what I was doing. I seize the opportunity.

            “I can’t tell if you’re right or not because you never speak about my mother.”

            My father’s jaw tightens. “You don’t want to know about her.”

            “Her name was Sarah,” I say very, very quietly.

            “No!” my father yells and lunges towards me. He grabs my shoulders and shakes me. “No! Don’t say her name. You can’t say her name!” 

“Do you have pictures?” I ask eagerly. “What did I look like as a baby?”

            My aunt stares at me. “Lila, are you telling me that you haven’t seen any pictures of yourself from when your mother was alive?”

            I shake my head. “No, I don’t know what she looks like,” I say as my voice catches.

 

We all file back into the common room, where Kent dismisses us. I head out towards the door as fast as I can, but Kent still catches me.

            “Did I cut your wrist?” he asks.

            “No,” I say, turning away from him and moving to leave the room.

            “Miss Osweil,” he says quietly.

            I stop and suppress a sigh as I turn around.

            His eyebrows come together slightly. “I only wanted to see if you were what I thought you were.”

 

~Clarissa