Suffocating Friendships

     This is a post that is tough for me to write. It might sound mean. It might sound cruel. It might sound selfish. But I'm going to write it anyway because it has gripped me around the throat for far too long, and I am done suffocating. I am ready to breathe again.
      This post is about friendships. A certain type of friendship. A friendship that hurts you. And you might not even realize it. This post is probably going to end up being partially a rant and partially a plea and I'll probably throw some advice in there too.
     This year has been a tough year for me, as far as friendships go. My friends mean the world to me, and sometimes it feels like they mean more to me than my family does (that isn't how it's supposed to be, but that's life people). So when I lose friends, or my friendships change, it's pretty hard on me.
     Now, I already wrote earlier this year about losing a best friend (you can read that here). While that is very painful, the friendship I'm going to talk about today causes a pain that is not readily apparent.

      I call this the suffocating friendship.

     I recently realized after a get together with friends that I didn't have fun. Mind you, this wasn't the first time. The problem was, the previous times I had thought that there was something off inside me that was preventing me from having a good time. Being as emotional as I am, it is pretty common that the not having fun factor is myself, but I finally realized that this was not the case.
     This is the first example of a suffocating friendship. When you can only sit and listen to a conversation that doesn't include you, it's not fun. Now, I'm not saying that you should never tolerate conversations that don't include you. It's going to happen, and everyone does is guilty of it. I've done it. The difference is when the people continue to do it time after time, and it becomes apparent that they don't care that they are excluding others (you).
     Now, why do I call this suffocating? Well, shortly after the aforementioned get together, I went out with some different friends. And I came away from that get together feeling good. Feeling happy. I giggled and messed around and enjoyed myself. I felt like I was there for my friends, and they were there for me. It felt like a breath of fresh air.

     The second example of a suffocating friendship comes from a series of conversations I had with a friend. I was staying up late and talking about their problems, and waking up tired the next day. I love being there for my friends emotionally, and it's very hard for me to turn people down. However, this friendship felt very one-sided because whenever I would talk to this friend about my problems, their response was never in-depth, sacrificial, or helpful. *Just a side note: sometimes friends have different needs when they're going through tough times and that should be something friends should learn about each other* I felt drained, and I wasn't being filled back up.
     The contrast is an email conversation I had with a different friend where one of us started out talking through our problems, and that opened us up into exploring similarities in our struggles and we went back and forth discussing them and offering encouragement. It helped.

     The third example developed over multiple instances, but eventually it came to a head as I realized just how tired it was making me. I was the one making the effort, initiating conversations, planning things, making them happen, and trying to think of things to say. And I was tired. I was so tired. I stopped making an effort. The friend didn't make an effort. But you know what? I've learned to be okay with that.
     Thank you to all the friends who text me first, say you miss me, plan get togethers and make an effort. I appreciate it more than you know.

      As I think about what I've written, I am afraid that this is completely selfish. I am afraid that I overreacted in every one of the situations I described. I am afraid that is wrong to stop making an effort. But I tell that voice to be quiet. Because while friendships are hard, and they require work, and sacrifice, and time, and effort, they are a two-way relationship. If you are:

      1. Not having a good time when you hang out with this friend,

      2. Are being excluded for sustained periods of time by this friend,

      3. Are giving of yourself and receiving nothing in return,

       4. Are feeling drained from making a constant effort to maintain the friendship, 

       please prayerfully consider extricating yourself from this relationship. It is not selfish to take a stand against something that is hurting your emotional and mental health. Is it going to hurt? Yes. Are you going to want to blame yourself? Maybe. Will you feel guilty? Possibly. Is it the healthy thing to do? Yes.

       This was not an easy post to write, but it needed to be written. I hope this helps.

~Clarissa