The Lilah Music Challenge

What is one song on the radio that annoys you?

     "Old Church Choir" by Zach Williams. Ugh. I don't know what it is exactly that makes me hate this song so much but I turn the radio off every time it comes on.

One song that you love and sing along to every time it comes on the radio?
     Right now, it's "Counting Every Blessing" by Rend Collective. I actually don't think it fits my voice very well, but I love to sing it at the top of my voice.

Favorite and least favorite genre of music?
     Well, it's probably a tie for favorite between EDM and Alternative. As far as least favorite.....well I like most genres, but I don't like screamo or metal. I also don't like funky music.

Last song you listened to?
    "Ships in the Night" by Matt Kearney.

A song you've been listening to a lot?
     "You Are the Reason" by Calum Scott.

Favorite music video?
     I don't really watch music videos.....

Are you listening to music right now?
     Yep. So technically the last song I listened to will change from the time I answered it to when I post this.

Favorite romantic song?
     Seriously? I have to pick just one? I guess I'll go with "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran. I know. So cliche.

Last song you cried during?
     Oh gosh.....Probably "See You Again" by Charlie Puth.

Last song that made you laugh?
     I don't think songs really make me laugh, but I'm pretty sure "Deer in the Headlights" by Owl City has made me laugh on occasion.

A song you like in a different language?
     Hmm. "Now We Are Free" from Gladiator has beautiful Hebrew lyrics.

Favorite summer song?
     "Good Time" by Owl City ft. Carly Rae Jepsen

Road trip song?
     Don't have one.....like is that a thing?

Put yourself to sleep song?
     "Saturn" by Sleeping at Last.

While you read song?
      I don't listen to music while I read.

While you study song?
     Again, don't listen to music while I study.

Last song on your playlist?
     Well.....I have multiple playlists......

Song that makes you want to dance?
     Pretty much anything by Built by Titan, but specifically "Broken Love" or "Collide".

Power song?
     "Dangerous" by Built by Titan. That was my senior song.

Instrumental song?
     Not sure exactly what this question is asking, but I love "Requiem for a Dream" or "River Flows in You".

A song with a color in it?
      Uh....."Real World" by Owl City. *pats myself on the back for thinking of it*

A song that means a lot to you right now?
     "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey & "See You Again" by Charlie Puth because I miss Jared hecka much but one day I will be reunited with him. I love you Jared.

Favorite Disney song?
     "Evermore" by Dan Stevens from Beauty and the Beast.

Favorite Disney princess song?
     "I See the Light" from Tangled or "Let It Go" from Frozen *sue me

Disney song you hate/dislike?
     "You're Welcome" from Moana. UGH.

Favorite Disney soundtrack as a whole?
     I don't listen to enough Disney to have an answer for this one.

Take your favorite season and make a 5 song playlist for it
     My favorite season is spring......and I have no idea how to make a playlist for it.

What are your comfort songs?

• "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey
• "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey 
• "No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music
• "It is Well" by Bethel Music
• "Not Alone" by RED (this is probably #1)

Winter song that is not about Christmas or a typical Christmas song?

     "Peppermint Winter" by Owl City.

A song with food in it?

    "The Other Side" from the Greatest Showman. I live among the swells and we don't pick up peanut shells!!

Music you listen to while you clean your room?

     My Spotify music on shuffle. 

Songs for each of your top two holidays?

     "Mary Did You Know" for Christmas and "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" for Christmas because I don't have a second favorite holiday.

What movie/TV show theme songs can you sing?

     Gilligan's Island, the Brady Bunch.....and I guess that's it.

Song not about relationships, boys, or something super sad or serious?

     "Dragon" by Built by Titan.

A folk tune you like?

     "Danny Boy". I can also sing this one.

Song that always gets stuck in your head?

      "Shut Up and Dance with Me" 

Workout playlist?

     When I worked out, it was pretty much all my rock songs.

Wedding playlist?

     I don't really have a playlist, but one song that I really want in my wedding is "I Get to Love You" by Ruelle. 

Do you have a song that reminds you of your OTPs?

     "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt reminds me of Esterlyn and Hanilov.

A song you feel different about now that you've seen the music video?

    Like I said, I don't really watch music videos. 

A song you would recommend to everyone?

     "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey.

A song you don't like telling people about so you can horde it and make it "your song"?

      I don't have one.

A song that makes you want to go out and do something crazy/adventurous?

      "Wake Me Up" by Avicci. 

A song that is super catchy, but you don't like?

     "Paradise" by Britney Spears is a HORRIBLE song but when my cross training coach used to play it, it would get stuck in my head. 

A song you listen to while pretending to listen to someone talk?

     Do people actually do this????

A children's song you like?

     Uh......idk.....

A lullaby you would sing to your own children?

     "Deep in the Meadow" from the Hunger Games or "Hush Sweetheart" written by yours truly.

A song that is your theme song?

     I don't have a themes song. 

Favorite book about a musician?

     Well, I've only read one and that was "Unashamed" by Lecrae. 

Favorite music blog?

     ABBIEEEEEEEEEEE

An unknown/lesser known musician?

     *clears throat* Birdy, Sleeping at Last, Fleurie, Ruelle, Svrcina, Built by Titan, Guy Sebastian......

Favorite radio station?

     Air1 all the way.

What musician do you listen to the most?

     Well, Owl City is the artist that I own the most songs for.

Rihanna or Beyonce?

     Neither, but if I have to choose, Rihanna only because I like her song "Stay"

Last musical you watched?

     The Greatest Showman. *insert heart eyes emoji*

A musical you've never watched but really want to?

     Les Miserables and Dear Evan Hansen

Favorite musical score from a movie that is not a musical?

     The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. 

Last musical you belted around the house?

     The Greatest Showman.

Favorite song from the Greatest Showman soundtrack?

     "This is Me" and "Rewrite the Stars"

Do you have any musical merch?

     I have one Skillet shirt. I really want to get more, but it's so darn expensive!

That was a super long ramble about music......I hope you guys enjoyed it and got a little taste of what my music is like. :D

What No One Tells You About Grief

In my last post, I mentioned a tragic loss. I've thought about writing this post for awhile, but it never seemed to come to me. A lot of thoughts have gone through my head about it, because grief is a multi-faceted emotion. This might be the most open and vulnerable post I've ever written. I will not advertise it, out of sensitivity to my friend's family and the friends who were closer to him than I was, because in this post I want to be able to say everything that is in my heart. Now, just to make things clear, this post is about my personal experience with grief. Everyone deals with grief differently and I'm not telling you that when you experience grief, you're going to experience everything I'm writing about. But you might. Anyway, here goes.

On May 12, 2018 I came home from the end of the year banquet for my brother's robotics team happy and fresh off having a good time with friends. I was going to text my friend Jared about something that had happened and he was probably going to tease me about it and we would probably text for awhile. Before texting him, I checked a messaging app that me and some other friends have and got this message: "Guys, pray for [his] family. A bunch of friends went hiking today and something happened and Jared was swept down a river. I don't know much, but from what I understand, he hasn't been found yet." It was like my heart stopped. I remember sinking to my knees with my hand pressed over my mouth while tears came to my eyes. I went to my mom semi-composed, but then could barely get the words out. And then the tears came. I cried the whole time my dad prayed for him to be found alive and I cried afterwards. I texted Jared's phone telling him that I was scared and that I wanted him to come home. I had hope that he would be found.

Sunday passed without any news and I spent the whole church service trying to keep the tears in. My jaw ached. I randomly cried throughout the day. On Monday night, Jared's church held a prayer service for him. I could barely sing and I couldn't pray in our small circle. I cried and cried. I wanted Jared back. I still had hope that he would be found alive, but my hope was fading even as I held onto it. The agony continued into the week. It was excruciating to wait without any news. It was agonizing to see the sun sink into the sky and know that the search was being called off and Jared still hadn't been found. Thursday night rolled around and I had been saying that I just wanted Jared to be found. I just wanted to know. My hope was a very, very thin thread.

On May 18, 2018 I clocked out for lunch at work and checked my phone. "I just wanted to let you know they found Jared. He is happily dancing in heaven." Gone was the wish to just know if Jared and alive or dead. It was replaced with simultaneous denial and acceptance. I remember thinking that he couldn't be gone. Jared wasn't dead. He couldn't be. My friend could not be gone. But he was and I knew it. I cried. It took me a long time to say that word out loud. I said it in my head, but it took me a couple days to say "dead" or "died" out loud. I didn't want to make it real. Because Jared couldn't be gone. But he was.

People do talk about denial when they talk about grief, but I feel like it doesn't quite cover it. I denied that Jared was gone, but at the same time, I knew that he was in heaven. It's almost as if you're denying the pain more than the actual fact. My first emotions upon hearing of Jared's passing was that I wanted him back. I knew he was with God and that he was free from all pain, but that didn't matter to me because I wanted him here, with me. I wanted him back so much that I cannot describe the fierceness of the longing. It hurt. I had no words for my pain. I truly had no words. I cried a lot. I cried sporadically and I cried myself to sleep. My heart ached (and still does) for Jared's family. He left five siblings behind as well as his parents. I also knew the friends who were with Jared the day he got swept into the river and my heart broke for them as well.

So, denial is the first thing. A lot of people seem to talk about anger when they talk about grief but I never experienced it. I am not mad at God for taking him. I do remember lying in bed one night and asking God over and over again why He took Jared. Why did God take Jared? I don't understand why. I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure I'd ever be satisfied with the why. As Christians, we do have the comfort of knowing that our loved ones are in heaven and that we will see them again, but that did not satisfy me. I want Jared back. It's incredibly selfish, but it's the truth.

However you lose someone, it's painful. But when you come home one night to hear that your friend is missing, the shock is magnified. You're not supposed to lose a friend at 19. People aren't supposed to get swept into rivers and die. Amazing guys like Jared aren't supposed to leave you. But the truth is, these things do happen. When Jared was missing, I thought was that if he was gone, no one would have gotten a goodbye. I thought that would be the hardest part -that I didn't get to say goodbye. And while the unexpectedness does add to the pain, I realized that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd gotten a goodbye. Because I would have wanted one more. Just one more goodbye. And then another and another. An endless stream of just one more days with him.

People also talk about numbness when they talk about grief. But it's not exactly numbness. It's feeling happy and knowing life is good and not feeling sad and knowing that your friend has died. I felt incredibly guilty when that happened. I felt so awful since I knew the pain his family and close friends must be going through. It felt so wrong to be to be okay -to be happy. Guilt over happiness is something that accompanies grief. And trust me, there will be days, or maybe even a whole week, where you feel absolutely fine. I knew Jared was gone, but I wasn't sad. I was okay.

But that's another thing about grief. It's an undulating thing. There will be those days where you are perfectly happy. And then there will be the days like I've been having recently where I can't even listen to a rapper that Jared introduced me to and we shared a love for because it reminds me too much of him. Days where every little thing reminds me of Jared and where things hurt because Jared won't reach that milestone, or he won't be around for an event. Grief comes and goes. The intense pain comes and goes, but the knowledge that Jared is gone will always be there. And I'm realizing that you have to come to terms that you will be living the rest of your life with an ache in your heart. Some days it will be more present than others, and I'll have good days and bad days. But I'll always miss Jared.

I feel like another people don't talk about when it comes to grief is how they want other people to handle it. For one thing, I really don't like the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss" or "So sorry for your loss". Something about using the word loss bothers me. It's not adequate enough for the hole in my heart. I would rather you just simply say "I'm sorry" or "I'm so sorry". I don't want you to be worried about me. Grief is a powerful emotion and it needs to be felt in order to be healthily dealt with. I might have really dark days and that needs to be okay. I don't blame my family and friends for not understanding. There is no way under the sun, even if you're the most empathetic person in the world, to understand what it's like to lose someone if you haven't lost someone. But strange as it may sound, I appreciate it that people didn't try to understand. Just like I don't pretend to understand the pain of Jared's family. It's okay that you don't understand. I just need you to be there for me. I just need you to let me hurt. I just need you to know when to give me a hug and when to make me laugh and when to give me chocolate and when to distract me.

Because let's face it: my heart is broken. I miss Jared more than anything in the world right now. I miss him so, so much. There aren't enough words to express it. He was amazing and I am proud to have been his friend. It hurts. I miss him. I want him back. What no one tells you about grief is how much it hurts.