I just wanted to get on here and spill some thoughts. 2018 is coming to a close, and I've been thinking about what I want to change for 2019. I got sick right before Christmas, and I'm still getting over it and it's really made me stop and think about what I've been doing with my physical, mental, and emotional health. I've realized that I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't really know how to take care of myself, honestly. But I do know that waking up before 7am to go to work when I felt like absolute crap wasn't smart, but I did it because I felt like I couldn't miss that half day of work. I haven't ever taken a sick day in the year and a half that I've been working there. I've always showed up to work with my cold, but now I'm thinking that it's okay to miss some work.
I've beaten myself up a lot this year because my writing has been at an all time low, I couldn't even read 20 books, which was my Goodreads goal (I read 15), and I haven't really done anything creative. I get up, go to work, do homework, and crash with YouTube or whatever. It's so mindless, and it drives me crazy. But I'm realizing that this is a season in my life. I only have 3 semesters of college left. And it's okay not to have an amazing creative output right now, because honestly, I do work really hard. On the other hand, I do need to learn to relax in a productive way instead of searching for YouTube videos I don't really care about watching. One of my friends suggested writing a small blurb every day to do something creative, and I'm going to try to take that advice.
This new year, I'm going to focus on self-care. I'm going to research ways to improve my physical health: drinking enough water, cleaning up my diet, getting sufficient sleep, and taking care of my skin. I'm going to strive to improve my mental health: setting aside work and school after it's finished, reading more books, listening to more music, and reading my Bible and praying more. I'm going to take care of my emotional health: take walks, sit in pure silence, journal my emotions even when they seem too complicated, acknowledge and process my wounds and ghosts, and finally, learn to love myself in every way possible.
I was trying to put together some highlights of 2018, but honestly this whole year was a blur, and I can barely remember anything. As I looked back at my (very incomplete) list of movies I watched, events I attended, and the little music I discovered, all I can see is the day we lost Jared. There were some good moments this year, but I feel like 2018 was a year of being tired, stressed, and too busy, a year of hurting and grieving over both new and old hurts, and feeling incredibly lost, hopeless, and uncertain. Sounds depressing when you put it like that, but I'm so tired. I'm ready to be intentional with 2019. I'm ready to take care of myself. I'm ready to have a good year.
Best wishes for the new year!
~Clarissa
