Christmas Magic?

I cannot believe that Christmas is only five days away.....It always sneaks up on me now. It didn't use to when I was little. Back then, the days would drag on agonizingly slow and it seemed Christmas morning would never come. And then came the excitement and screams of delight as I furiously tore into my presents. Now Christmas is rather silent and there's nothing I really really want anymore. (except maybe a smartphone. hint hint.) All the magic has been lost, and that makes me sad. But has it really been lost?

This year, the thing that has me the most excited is that my aunt is arriving on Thursday. I am so happy that she's coming a day earlier than we thought she was. Right now, I am eagerly watching for my best friend's Christmas package to be delivered. Later on in the break, I'll go with a group of friends to see the new Star Wars movie. It was when I thought about all those things that I realized that the magic has not been lost. It has simply changed.

Christmas when I was little was simply about getting all the toys I wanted. It was all about me. I may be sad that I no longer care about decorating the tree, but I think I've traded that for something better.

Christmas for me is now more about the time that I get to spend with my family and friends. I love having the break from school to be able to do stuff with my friends and watch movies with my family and have Christmas dinner and listen to amazing Christmas music that reminds me of the real reason that we celebrate Christmas.

Christmas is truly about reading the Christmas story and knowing that the little tiny baby in a manger would grow up to save the world. It's about the light of the star that was just a taste of the light of the world that we would soon come to know. It's about the wise men's gifts that started the tradition of giving gifts to those we love. It's all about the greatest gift of all: Jesus.

Merry Christmas!
~Clarissa

Writing Ugliness

Inspiration can come from anywhere. I mean, literally anywhere. I've got a new project going that arose out of a conversation I had with my friend Kelton. He joked that he was killing me, we had this super weird conversation about torture, and thus The Blood Oath was born.

I've never written a fantasy piece before. I've recently gotten into Brandon Sanderson, who writes epic fantasy but yet fantasy hasn't really pulled at me as a genre that I would write. But, Kelton writes quite a bit of fantasy and the premise of The Blood Oath really wouldn't fit into any other genre. This piece has some firsts for me and writing fantasy is one. The other is writing in omniscient POV. It's also a bit different because we're writing this together and while I've written pieces with other people before it's always gone like this: I write a chunk, and then they write a chunk. With this piece and its POV, Kelton and I sometimes are writing every other sentence but it provides a lot better cohesion of characters and events. But I would say the biggest first for this project is the ugliness that it contains.

I've always been a bit torn about how much ugliness to include in my stories and I've never really written a story about characters who are truly jaded and involved in deeds that aren't right and good. One of the two protagonists, Hanilov, is a street gang member who aspires to become an assassin. He doesn't care much for anyone, he enjoys inflicting pain, and he's an overall jerk. The other protagonist, Esterlyn, comes from a race that is very violent and barbaric and yet she determines to be different.

Without giving spoilers to the story, there is a lot of bloodiness in the way Hanilov treats Esterlyn. He attacks her, tortures her, and almost kills her quite regularly. There are also several instances of his forcing himself on her. Kelton wrote the first bit of it and I was surprised by its intensity and gore. My initial reaction was, this is disturbing and we shouldn't be writing this.

How far should you go when writing ugliness? There's no need to be over-the-top, but you shouldn't sugarcoat either. The reality is there are people out there who do what Hanilov does every day. It's ugly and yes frankly, it's disturbing. But it should be disturbing. When something disturbs us it is able to move us to action. The second part to it is that without ugliness, there can be no beauty. The ending of this story (which I am not going to spoil, sorry) would not be the amazing and beautiful ending that it will be without all the ugliness that precedes it. The depravity from the fall that is showcased in characters like Hanilov is in all of us. It's only a matter of whether we let it take over or not. It's important to know, though, that it is there. Otherwise, we cannot guard against it. And the knowledge of it allows our ugliness to be redeemed into beauty by God.

Don't be afraid of the ugliness!
~Clarissa

When the Lord Hath Taken Away

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21)

In October, the mom of one of my fellow drama students died from cancer, leaving behind five children all under the age of fourteen. I was not able to attend her memorial service, but it was hard seeing my classmate and knowing what he must be going through.

Mid-November, I went through something that broke my heart and left me wondering how close God really is to me.

Later in November, a father of two boys that we knew died from colon cancer.

Again in November, I found out that one of my close friend's family is going through a tough time.

In December, I heard about a father of ten children who died in an accident.

Last Sunday, we learned that a couple in our church lost their baby granddaughter.

And just today, I learned that a girl in my drama class lost her baby sibling to a miscarriage.

WHY? Why in the world has so much happened in the last two months? There is so much pain for all these people and every single thing has made my heart break and my soul heavy. There is all this awful, saddening stuff happening and so close together. I want to cry just thinking about it now. I'm not going to lie. Pain hurts. Pain sucks. Pain overwhelms. Pain can just grab your heart and break it into a billion pieces until you don't know how it is possible that you are still breathing.

But you know what? I respect pain. I respect tragedy. I could almost say that I welcome it (sometimes). Why? Because pain has the power to transform us in ways that joy never can. I've gone through rough times, and depression, and suicidal thoughts, and apathy, and just hating life in general. All of that is pain. And yet every time, I come out on the other side stronger and better than before. God uses tragedy to change us, to purify us, and to teach us. Sometimes God closes doors and we don't understand why. We scream at Him and demand to know why it hurts so much (been there, done that). However, I choose to believe that there is a reason for every single thing that happens to me whether it's pain or joy. 

I can't pretend to understand what all those families are going through, or even why I went through what I did. But I do choose to believe that God gives, and He takes away. I am grateful for what He gives, and I must choose to be grateful for what He takes away. I must choose to believe that His plan may not make sense to me now, but it is still perfect. I must choose to praise His name in the midst of my pain. It is not an easy road to get there. There will be moments of weakness and doubt. Trusting God will not always take the pain away. In the end, though, God will still be God, and His love and peace and joy will never go away.

Election 2016

I was going to write this the Friday after the elections, but life got in the way. Sorry about that.

This was the first election that I had social media for and that I actually really truly cared about (I was thirteen last time they happened). Let me just say that I almost couldn't take how many political posts there were on Facebook. But the thing that saddened me the most was how deeply divided this country was over this election, especially Christians. People were trash-talking each other or being rude or throwing insults at each other. That isn't Christians behavior! That isn't imitating God.

There was division in my own home. My dad voted for one candidate that my mother did not support. It never got too heated in front of me and my brother, but I have to wonder if it did other times. One of the things that I liked about my writing group of friends is that we were able to calmly discuss and disagree and then reach a consensus.

We didn't reach a consensus about the candidates, really. We came to a consensus about our country's situation and how we were going to act.

1. God is still God, no matter who is President.
2. We as Christians have a duty to pray even for a President we don't like.
3. (my favorite) Our President is only allowed to step outside of God's will as much as he is allowed.

We should have peace about our country because God is in control. At the same time, we have to pray and intercede for our nation. If our country becomes evil, it is the fault of the saints who have not executed judgement. I know that after Obama became President for the second time that I didn't pray for him. I should have. And I will pray for Trump and if Clinton had become President, I would have prayed for her.

We have to remember that we are first and foremost citizens of God's kingdom and then of our nation. And we do not fight against the physical realm, but the spiritual. Our country is ours and God's and we fight for it, regardless of who is President or bad things look.

God bless America
~Clarissa

When Life Gets Crazy

I remembered it was Friday just now, and that's my day for a new blog post! But the thing is, do I have time to write this?

I have an assignment due tomorrow that I had no idea was due until yesterday and it's not going very well.

My grandparents and aunt arrive today and that means CLEAN THE HOUSE.

I have a chiropractic appointment after which I cannot do cleaning, so all must be done before 10:40am.

I am about 3,000 words behind on my NaNoWriMo count.....

It's easy to get frustrated and stressed and just wonder how much I can take before I go crazy and start snapping at my mom or brother. You've been there. I know you have.

Together, let's take a deep breath. God is in control. In the midst of your craziness, take time to smell the roses. Even if just for 5 minutes. Listen to your favorite song. Scribble a cute scene between your book's ship. Eat some chocolate. Enjoy the little things. Because while there are huge moments that we say have defined us, it is the mundane, every day happenings that also make us who we are.

To staying sane!
~Clarissa

NaNoWriMo 2016

What the heck does NaNoWriMo stand for? If most of my readers are writers, they will know that this stands for National Novel Writing Month. My friend Amy joined in 2014 and a lot of our texts consisted of, so how's your word count coming? She's been trying to get me to do it ever since, and this year I finally decided to do it.

NaNo (as I shorten it to) is the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the thirty days of November. YIKES! Some days I say I can do it and other days I freak out about what I've gotten myself into. Never mind the statistic that says 89% don't finish the challenge. And it's going to be hard to balance this with three college classes, choir, drama, senior leadership, swim practice, and everything else going on. But I want to challenge myself to finish something because I've never finished anything other than my one novel. (however, that was a great accomplishment. It was 118, 000 words, ok.)

So, as I see it, here are the benefits of NaNo:

1. It forces you to make goals. In order to reach 50k, you have to write a little over 1,600 words a day.

2. It forces you to write when you aren't "in the mood." I always think I need to be in a certain mood to write, but I don't and in this challenge I won't have the time to be.

3. It forces you to actually finish something. I cannot tell you how many unfinished projects I have lying around in my room. Most of them could probably really good if I just kept going.

And the best thing is that these are not only essential writing skills, but good life skills as well. 

Okay and now for the good part: the synopsis of the novel I'm writing in 3 days!

Lila Osweil lives in a city full of shadows, but she has never bothered to learn what they hide. All she can focus on is how to escape her abusive father and run away into the arms of her childhood sweetheart Jacob. When Jacob tells her of the government's offer to give  her freedom if she becomes an agent for them, Lila accepts. But frightening visions that begin after her father nearly has Jacob killed haunt her, and as she begins her training, everything and everyone she knows begins to twist around her until Lila can no longer determine what is real and what isn't.

To 50,000!
~Clarissa

Dear Diary

We've all heard the cliche "dear diary" and then what follows is some stupid thing that happened between you and your best friend that day. I will confess two things: I do start off my entries with "dear diary" and sometimes I do have something stupid that follows it. BUT I believe that there are benefits to diary writing and I want to convince you of them.

I decided to do this post today because last night was the 100th night in a row that I've written in my diary. When I first started, it was a challenge sometimes to remember to write in it. Now it's become my nightly habit and it's really helped me unwind from everything that's happened that day. So that's the first benefit: it helps you unwind. I know I'm a writer, and that probably makes writing more meaningful to me, but I'm pretty sure that writing out your thoughts helps you process them better. Sometimes trying to put what you're feeling on paper can feel like trying to smash through a brick wall but keep trying! It has happened to me, but I keep pushing, and eventually my feelings make themselves onto the page.

I've been keeping a diary on and off since I was 9. I don't read my old diaries very often, but when I do, sometimes I laugh and sometimes I groan. (just a tip, if you did something stupid that you regret within the last 3 years- don't read your diary from then. You have to get over it first, and that process takes longer than you think). That said, another benefit of diaries is the memories. I have gone back and read stuff from two years ago that I no longer remember, but when I read it in my diary, I laugh and get all warm inside. And another awesome thing- you can see how much you've grown. I went through a rough patch in freshman and sophomore year and I wasn't writing that much. I know I've come really far from that person, but I can't remember what it was like exactly back then and I wish I'd written about it.

I hope you'll consider starting a diary if you haven't already or writing more often in it if you already do.


~Clarissa

Priceless

Last night I went with my best friend to see the Christian band for King and Country's movie Priceless. To give you a quick summary of the plot- a guy is driving a truck across the state, no questions asked. But when he's run off the road, he inspects his "cargo" which turns out to be two Mexican sisters. He delivers them to a man and despite the bad feeling, lets them go. He soon realizes that he has been involved in one of the most horrible practices in our country: human trafficking. He spends the rest of the movie getting them back. At the end, he takes a prostitute into his room and the older sister (who he is now engaged to) comes in and they tell the girl that she is not worth the $100 he paid for her, but priceless.

I'm going to confess that the movie made me cry. They played the song in the movie and these lyrics: "Irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable" made me cry. I also cried in the end, where they explain to the prostitute that there is a God who sees that worth in her. I was crying because I don't see myself that way and I think every girl struggles to see themselves that way. But what they said is true. There is a God who sees each girl as a beautiful creation that is absolutely incomparable to any other girl and whose worth is so great that it cannot be measured.

There are two steps to learning to see ourselves as priceless. The first is to stop comparing ourselves to other girls. We do it a lot. We look at so-and-so and think, her hair style is so much better than mine or her body is so much more curvy than mine. We need to stop doing that. Everyone was created differently and there is beauty in our diversity. There are many different kinds of beauty. No one else can be that stunning mix of you that you are.

The second step, at least for me, is the harder one. Girls, we need to stop letting guys tell us how much we are worth. One of the things that is so touching about the Smallbone brothers is that they challenge guys to treat girls with chivalry and to love them extraordinarily. I love that, but ultimately guys are human too. They're going to fail us. This movie came at a point where I was struggling to think of myself as being beautiful and having worth because I was letting a guy tell me how much I was worth and he wasn't telling me I was worth much. And sometimes we can even feel like we aren't worth much just because guys always flirt with our best friend and never with us. Or maybe your friend has a bunch of guy friends who listen to her talk about her problems and you have a grand total of zero of those. That doesn't mean you don't have anything attractive about you. It means that you respect yourself enough to wait for the guy God has for you and that you're so special God wants to keep you from anyone but that guy. On the other hand, perhaps you're in a relationship with a guy who makes you feel like you are just the bomb. That's wonderful, but at some point, he is going to let you down. And in those moments, we have to remember that God still loves you and sees you as beautiful and worthy.

~Clarissa

P.S. I promise to write about actual writing soon. 

Stress and Its Relationship to Self-Worth

If you ask my best friends about me and stress, they'll tell you I get stressed out a lot. Very stressed out sometimes. I have a dominant personality trait of wanting to please people, to live up to their expectations, and not wanting to burden them. It's a good thing to want to make other people happy. That feeling that you get when you cleaned up the kitchen super-duper well and your mom comes home and she loves it? That's a good thing.

What isn't a good thing is when you sacrifice your emotional and mental well-being to live up to someone else's expectations. It isn't good when you come to define your self-worth on whether you made your parents happy or not. I'm not saying that you shouldn't obey your parents or not try to live up to their standards. The Bible tells us to honor our parents. But feeling stressed out and unworthy is not healthy. And most of the time, it isn't your parents fault either. You have to decide how you're going to handle yourself.

For me, stress comes from school. I'm an A student in almost every subject. Why the heck would I get stressed out then? First of all, I push myself- perhaps too hard. I remember beating myself up about getting a low A or a high B on a test. A couple of the girls at my table were like, oh shut up, you don't have any room to talk, your grades are fine. I shut up. But in my head I was thinking about the questions I missed and why I missed them and if I could have studied more and if I had gone with my first instinct, and on and on. I will admit that sometimes I could study more. Then I deserve to chastise myself, but just a little. I see the consequences, and determine to do better in the future. Beating myself up about it is not going to change my test score! However, I remember one time I studied so hard for a health test and received 93%. I had thought I was going to score higher than 95%. I remember my mom not being thrilled about that score and I immediately felt horrible. I had studied so hard and she wasn't happy with my score? It was health, guys. In like 8th grade. Obviously though, since I remember it, it hurt.

I have come to realize that how well I do on my test does not define how great of a human being I am. But I was defining my self-worth by my test grades. That's not okay! And it doesn't have to be grades. It can be how many goals you scored in your last soccer game or what place you got at the science fair. It does not define you. God made you beautiful, unique, and special. Nobody else can be me. Somebody else might get better grades, but are they Clarissa? No. And I love who I am. That should be enough.

I would be grounded from emailing on my tablet if I received grades lower than a B. That has happened multiple times in math (ugh!) and Spanish. Each time, I would cry. I felt like such a failure. Every time I took a test, there was this twisting knot in my stomach. Would I get a high enough score?

I still struggle with stress. This year has turned out to be especially busy and there's all these things that both my parents and I want to accomplish and excel at and some things just they want me to, and then I have my stuff too and I feel overwhelmed.There are days when I want to just give up- go to sleep and not wake up for a very long time. I have to remember that I can't do it by myself. That's why I get stressed out- because I'm trying to do it on my own. Only God can get me through this.

There are situations when you can overdo it, however. It's okay to say no to something (even if your parents think it'd be a great opportunity!) if you are already committed to a lot of things. And it's also okay to say no to something if doing it would cause you to lose the time that you use to recharge and de-stress. That is also vital to your well-being and you shouldn't disregard it even if it seems selfish not to. It's just as important to sing your heart out in choir as it is to study to get a good grade on your English final. God has given each of us gifts and talents. Remember that you are loved and that you are worthy!

~Clarissa

P.S. Sorry that was so long!

Introduction

This post isn't about anything specific; it's just for you to know a little more about me and what this blog is about. You probably already read my About Me profile, so I assume you know the basics.

The title says it all: writing is oxygen. I thank God for this gift so much. He had to know that I would need it through everything life was going to throw at me. I believe that human beings were created to express themselves and we do it in all sorts of ways. I have friends who do that through art, music, film, and even engineering or programming. Writing is my way of expressing who I am and what goes on inside my crazy brain. It's also a way of dealing with what I've gone through and what I'm going through. It just releases something inside me to put words on a page.

Like I said in my profile, I also like singing and acting. To me, they are extensions of writing. There's a quote that I love that says "Music is what feelings sound like." (I also have a thing for quotes, so there'll probably be a lot on here). Even as a writer, I am sometimes not able to fully express things, such as emotions. Singing adds more meaning to the words through music and as a result, enriches them. As for acting, I love making words come alive because that's what acting is: taking a story and putting it into the realm of the seeing world. I love movies because they surround the words with all these other things and it just makes this beautiful production.

Anyway, now to the real point of this post. This blog will contain my comments on different aspects on writing that will hopefully help you become a better writer. It will also contain my reviews on movies and books and it probably will have a little bit about my life and what I'm going through, because that always bleeds through into every author's work. But there's one important thing to know: I made a promise to myself to be real on here, and that means showing the ugly side of me sometimes. My life is far from perfect, and I'm far from an unscarred or unscathed individual. But that's okay. It makes me human. And since I strive to make my writing real while at the same time an escape from the real world, I must let you guys see me who for I am in order that you can understand my writing.

Here's to writing!

~Clarissa