How to be Confident

Confidence is a beautiful word. Everyone wants to be confident, both in themselves and their abilities. But when you struggle with self-esteem and self-love, being confident can seem impossible.

First, let me tell you what confidence is not. True confidence is not flashy or loud. It isn't the I-don't-care attitude that masks insecurity. It isn't pride that takes joy in overshadowing others. It is not an "identity." What is it then? True confidence comes from within -from knowing and loving who you are.

I was not a confident child. I was shy. I didn't really have friends. I didn't have any faith in myself. Then high school hit. While I now had friends, I had zero confidence. I was deathly afraid of what people thought of me and I constantly sought affirmation. I was depressed. I was caught in a pit of darkness that included both my emotional pain and thoughts that told me all the things that were wrong with me. I didn't like who I was. I didn't feel that I was pretty, or had a good body, or had a fun personality. I was pretty much the opposite of confident.

About a year or two ago, I started realizing that somewhere along the road of discovering who I was, I became confident. I could say I loved myself and mean it. I accepted my flaws and realized that they made me who I was. While I can't tell you exactly how I arrived at my current confidence level because I literally just woke up one day to realize that I was confident, I think I can pick out a few things:

1. God/My church. During my dark days, God felt extremely far away and more than once I yelled at Him because of my pain. Fear is what keeps you from being confident and I had so many fears. Fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, and many more. Through multiple sermons, I was challenged to let go of my fears and though sometimes walking up to the altar was the hardest thing, it ultimately cured me. I hated going up there because I was afraid of what people would think of me, but that's why it removed my fear.

2. Sheer determination. The best example I can give of this is my acne. People without it can never understand what it's like to go through this. Trust me, I know, because before I got it, I didn't understand my best friend's struggles. There were days were I couldn't look in the mirror at myself. I'm not kidding. I would refuse to look at myself because I hated my reflection so much. But you know what? I forced myself  to look up and accept it. Every morning I would wake up, go to the mirror and look at the face staring back at me. I would smile and flip my hair, telling myself, you are beautiful. And it worked! Sure, there are days when I still don't feel pretty, but for the most part, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That makes me confident.

3. Happiness. When I wasn't confident, I listened too much to what other people told me. If a friend didn't think a color looked good on me, I wouldn't wear it. If my dad suggested I change something about the way I wrote, I would. But what I've learned is that if something makes you happy, then who cares about anything else? I recently bough a sweater that whenever I wore it would make me feel really cute and pretty. My mom told me she doesn't think it looks good on me. Did that hurt? Yes, of course. But I still wear it, because it makes me feel happy. If you're happy with yourself, you will be confident.

4. Acceptance/Contentment. I don't wear makeup so I can teach myself to feel beautiful just the way I am. I accept that God made me the way I am supposed to be, and I simply dismiss anyone who dislikes that person. (that isn't to say that I don't listen to friends pointing out character flaws I can work on). I rejoice in my talents and enjoy the ones that other people have instead of envying them. I refuse to listen to detrimental thoughts that I know are lies.  I am beautiful, talented, and awesome.

5. Challenges. Since fear causes you not to be confident, challenging yourself can bring up your confidence level. I love singing, but I didn't think I had a good voice. But after doing auditions for drama and joining choir, I discovered that while I might not be Celine Dion, I sound my best when I give it all I've got and don't hold back out of fear.

While ultimately becoming confident can take you down a long and painful road, it is a journey worth taking. You discover who you are and once you hold that knowledge, nothing can stop you.

I absolutely love these lyrics from Jordan Smith's song "Stand in the Light" and I think they are a fitting end for this post:

This is who I am inside
This is who I am I'm not gonna hide
Cause the greatest risk we'll ever take is by far
To stand in the light and be seen as we are
Stand in the light and be seen as we are

~Clarissa