Yep, that's right. Today we're going to talk about the D-word. Depression. It's a scary word most of the time. It's a word that people like to avoid both when they ask how someone is doing, and when people describe how they're feeling.
Somehow this word carries a stigma that says something is wrong with you and that you must not be trying hard enough to feel good. For Christians, it can be even worse. "Just reach out to God" "He's there for you" "Just pray". These are good things, but people can throw out these phrases as if they are the magical, easy solution for climbing out of depression. They can judge you and make it seem like you're a bad Christian because if you were truly walking with God, you wouldn't be depressed.
Let me just say that my walk with God sucks sometimes. I don't read my Bible, and I forget to pray because I stayed up late doing something
I wanted to do. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a "bad" Christian. It might mean I'm not a strong Christian, but those two things are not the same. But that's beside the point. Christians can struggle with depression, and today I'm going to talk about my struggle with it.
This post is written partially to bring awareness and understanding to a topic that is still a bit taboo, and also bring hope and encouragement to any Christian who might feel guilty about being depressed.
First, let me say that depression varies in how it affects people, and this is strictly my personal experience. Also let me say that by no means have I had the severest form of depression, and I can't imagine what it's like for the people who do.
The first time I really started being depressed was probably the same time as when it hits a lot of other people: freshman year of high school. That was the time where my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth were at an all time low. There was a lot of pain that started coming to the surface and I drowned in it. I was wounded, and I acted like it.
I listened to songs like "Falling in the Black" by Skillet and wrote poems with lyrics like these:
"The pain that visits/My heart each night/Silently destroying/The soul within me.
I wanted to do a dance to "Falling in the Black" for a home school talent show and when my parents listened to it, they said the lyrics were too dark and that it wasn't good for me to be listening to it. I remember wanting to scream at them when they told me that. "Why do you think I'm listening to it?!"
This brings me to my first symptom: isolation. Depression makes you feel very isolated. You could be hanging out with friends you love and even laugh and joke around but you can still feel like you're on an island and they're miles away. You feel very alone. You feel like no one can help you and that makes you not ask for help or tell anyone.
This is where it ties into the Christian walk: God feels very distant. When I was depressed, don't you think I knew God was there? I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel Him. And to be completely honest, I blamed Him sometimes. I screamed at Him about why was I allowed to go through all of this pain. Still couldn't feel Him. I couldn't feel Him holding me.
But since I'm on the other side of that dark time, I can share a secret with you: He is so close to you. He is holding your hand and guiding you through to the other side. That time taught me so much about myself and took me to a place of healing and confidence that I don't think I could have otherwise. It was overwhelming, but I was forced to confront the pain of my childhood and push through the fears until I could let go of my wounds. God can use these times and even allow them in order to bring us closer to Him.
But please, don't tell us that "God is there" in a way that sounds like we are not pressing into Him. We are trying. We are screaming His name, but we feel so alone. Yes, we may need a loving reminder, but that is different.
We may seem like we're not much fun to be around or that we're never going to "snap out of it" but I promise you that you are helping. You are getting us through. To all my friends who listened to my broken rants and read my dark poetry, thank you. Thank you so much. I only realized now how much you guys put up with. That was a time when I needed people to love me the most.
Now I'm going to transition to a different time in my life and a different type of depression. Apathy and numbness is often another symptom of depression. You simply don't care. You don't feel anything and yet it still sucks. You want to feel better, but at the same time you can't make an effort to do so. People are like, "just pray and ask God to help you feel better". Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't even do it cuz I just don't care.
Depression can cause a severe lack of energy, where you don't feel like doing anything, even things that would probably make you feel better. I don't want to go to church, but every time I do, I feel encouraged and refreshed. It gets me through the week, even though a lot of times that same afternoon I will feel depressed again.
Most of the time, though, a depressed person can worship God just as purely as someone who isn't depressed. Just because they're depressed doesn't mean God won't accept their praise and worship. Perhaps the hardest part about depression is that most of the time, you have no idea why you're depressed. There isn't a specific reason, and that makes it hard to fight because you don't have a cause to fight against.
To every Christian that struggles with depression: I encourage you to educate your loved ones about what you're going through. Let them know what exactly it is you're feeling (or not feeling). Let them know how you're walking through it with God.
Only through awareness will we break the misconceptions that cause the hurtful comments I've mentioned throughout this post.
To every Christian that struggles with depression: You are not less of a Christian because you struggle to move past this. God loves you, and He will desire to bring you closer to Him through this. He knows it's painful. He knows it sucks.
Yes, praying and reading your Bible might be difficult, but we can do it. Find people who encourage and help you break through with your walk that often seems blocked by depression. Depression is a powerful thing that needs to be fought with something equally powerful: prayer.
Know that you can use your depression to draw closer to God and learn lessons that you could never learn otherwise. Depression, especially among Christians, is something that needs to be talked about.
It needs to have awareness so that people don't have to deal with the fear of talking about it like I did. It needs to be understood so that people aren't ashamed or don't feel guilty about being a Christian who struggles with depression.
I know it's scary. I know it's hard. But please, join me in sharing your story.
~Clarissa
