I just wanted to get on here and spill some thoughts. 2018 is coming to a close, and I've been thinking about what I want to change for 2019. I got sick right before Christmas, and I'm still getting over it and it's really made me stop and think about what I've been doing with my physical, mental, and emotional health. I've realized that I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't really know how to take care of myself, honestly. But I do know that waking up before 7am to go to work when I felt like absolute crap wasn't smart, but I did it because I felt like I couldn't miss that half day of work. I haven't ever taken a sick day in the year and a half that I've been working there. I've always showed up to work with my cold, but now I'm thinking that it's okay to miss some work.
I've beaten myself up a lot this year because my writing has been at an all time low, I couldn't even read 20 books, which was my Goodreads goal (I read 15), and I haven't really done anything creative. I get up, go to work, do homework, and crash with YouTube or whatever. It's so mindless, and it drives me crazy. But I'm realizing that this is a season in my life. I only have 3 semesters of college left. And it's okay not to have an amazing creative output right now, because honestly, I do work really hard. On the other hand, I do need to learn to relax in a productive way instead of searching for YouTube videos I don't really care about watching. One of my friends suggested writing a small blurb every day to do something creative, and I'm going to try to take that advice.
This new year, I'm going to focus on self-care. I'm going to research ways to improve my physical health: drinking enough water, cleaning up my diet, getting sufficient sleep, and taking care of my skin. I'm going to strive to improve my mental health: setting aside work and school after it's finished, reading more books, listening to more music, and reading my Bible and praying more. I'm going to take care of my emotional health: take walks, sit in pure silence, journal my emotions even when they seem too complicated, acknowledge and process my wounds and ghosts, and finally, learn to love myself in every way possible.
I was trying to put together some highlights of 2018, but honestly this whole year was a blur, and I can barely remember anything. As I looked back at my (very incomplete) list of movies I watched, events I attended, and the little music I discovered, all I can see is the day we lost Jared. There were some good moments this year, but I feel like 2018 was a year of being tired, stressed, and too busy, a year of hurting and grieving over both new and old hurts, and feeling incredibly lost, hopeless, and uncertain. Sounds depressing when you put it like that, but I'm so tired. I'm ready to be intentional with 2019. I'm ready to take care of myself. I'm ready to have a good year.
Best wishes for the new year!
~Clarissa
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
In Memory of Jared Gardner
I haven't shared any of my writing on here in awhile, but I recently wrote a poem for my creative writing class that I thought I'd post. If you've been following my blog, you know that one of my best friends, Jared Gardner, drowned about 5 months ago. If you haven't, you can find my post on grief here. This poem is about losing him, and I hope that it provides comfort and peace to anyone who has lost a loved one. I know it helped me to untangle my own grief. Thank you for reading!
Jared
Though no space in my mind does occupy
Our meeting on an unknown season’s day
Still our friendship is rooted deep
Branded on both my heart and soul
The two rivers of our lives flowed
Into one sea filled with you and me
Memories polished smooth with frequent thought
Sink as stones to the bottom of our sea
Wherein they lie as the foundation
Upon which we build connection
Goodbyes were said one day as any other time
Yet like as in summer, sudden storm clouds came
My eyes fell upon the piercing words and
Tears like raindrops fell on trembling cheeks
Into a river swift Jared had been swept away
Pricks of pain did break the surface of our sea
From crystal clear to muddy gray did the water change
As waiting agony swirled within
Under boulders was his body found
He no longer swam the river of life
The waters of our sea did recede
And left the shores bare brown
My lonely river did retreat without
The echoes of life’s skipping stones
My broken heart drowned in the river
The one unanswered question why
Never hear the laughter bubble up
Never see the ripples ebb and flow
‘Til one day we stand on golden ground
And see the Captain of our sea
Doubts and pain and fears awash
Yet peace attendeth my way
As slowly my river winds
Around the curves and bends
The stones still rest with me
And Jared always will I see
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
Having a Nighttime Routine: The Benefits
There's a lot of talk, studies, and articles about how to avoid the harmful effects of technology, how to manage stress, how to improve sleep, and other such life improvement areas. In this same vein, I want to talk about something I've been doing for about two weeks now that I think is beneficial to your well-being: a nighttime routine.
Before this, I never had a routine before bed. I was pretty much on the computer watching YouTube until I decided I should probably go to bed at a time that was later than it should be. First of all, blue light wakes your brain up, so this was not helping me fall asleep and I already have trouble going to sleep quickly. I read that it takes the average person three minutes to fall asleep, but if you're like me, it takes about thirty minutes. But what's wrong with not having a routine? Why should you have one?
I'll break down each component of my own routine and explain what it does and why it benefits you.
The first part of my routine is to exercise. You can find a ton of easy at-home workouts on Pinterest that don't take much time at all. Exercise releases endorphins, and I always feel really good when I break a sweat and breathe hard. Now, the first task in your routine doesn't have to be exercise, but it should be something that takes effort and gets you moving in order to release all the stress of the day.
The second part of my routine is to take a hot shower and then stretch. The shower relaxes your muscles and helps to further de-stress your body. I also put in some earbuds while I stretch. This part unwinds your mind and body and helps stop you from thinking about what you did today and what you have to do tomorrow.
The third part of my routine is to journal and/or read. This part is pure relaxation and relaxation is key for a good night's sleep and maintaining a healthy stress level. Like before, you don't have to do these exact things, but this last part should not be something you do on your phone or computer and it should be something that you really enjoy.
The fourth part of my routine is to turn off the lights, braid my hair, and then pray/talk to God. I'm usually pretty sleepy by this time and so relaxed and thankful for a comfortable bed.
Even just writing out this routine makes me see how good it is for me. A nighttime routine is a source of time management too, since you figure out how long you want to spend doing each thing, and then (for me) when 9pm comes, the electronic devices go away and it makes me go to bed when I need to. Stress can be a tough thing to control, and having a steady and secure routine can eliminate stress. Preparing yourself for rest, the time where your body heals both mentally and physically, is one of the most important things you can do. And in this electronic-driven world, taking a set time to disconnect and focus on your body and mind keeps you from becoming overwhelmed and losing sight of what truly matters in the long run.
I hope you liked this post! It's a little different than what I normally do, but I have been enjoying my nighttime routine immensely, and I thought I'd share the benefits!
~Clarissa
Before this, I never had a routine before bed. I was pretty much on the computer watching YouTube until I decided I should probably go to bed at a time that was later than it should be. First of all, blue light wakes your brain up, so this was not helping me fall asleep and I already have trouble going to sleep quickly. I read that it takes the average person three minutes to fall asleep, but if you're like me, it takes about thirty minutes. But what's wrong with not having a routine? Why should you have one?
I'll break down each component of my own routine and explain what it does and why it benefits you.
The first part of my routine is to exercise. You can find a ton of easy at-home workouts on Pinterest that don't take much time at all. Exercise releases endorphins, and I always feel really good when I break a sweat and breathe hard. Now, the first task in your routine doesn't have to be exercise, but it should be something that takes effort and gets you moving in order to release all the stress of the day.
The second part of my routine is to take a hot shower and then stretch. The shower relaxes your muscles and helps to further de-stress your body. I also put in some earbuds while I stretch. This part unwinds your mind and body and helps stop you from thinking about what you did today and what you have to do tomorrow.
The third part of my routine is to journal and/or read. This part is pure relaxation and relaxation is key for a good night's sleep and maintaining a healthy stress level. Like before, you don't have to do these exact things, but this last part should not be something you do on your phone or computer and it should be something that you really enjoy.
The fourth part of my routine is to turn off the lights, braid my hair, and then pray/talk to God. I'm usually pretty sleepy by this time and so relaxed and thankful for a comfortable bed.
Even just writing out this routine makes me see how good it is for me. A nighttime routine is a source of time management too, since you figure out how long you want to spend doing each thing, and then (for me) when 9pm comes, the electronic devices go away and it makes me go to bed when I need to. Stress can be a tough thing to control, and having a steady and secure routine can eliminate stress. Preparing yourself for rest, the time where your body heals both mentally and physically, is one of the most important things you can do. And in this electronic-driven world, taking a set time to disconnect and focus on your body and mind keeps you from becoming overwhelmed and losing sight of what truly matters in the long run.
I hope you liked this post! It's a little different than what I normally do, but I have been enjoying my nighttime routine immensely, and I thought I'd share the benefits!
~Clarissa
Thursday, June 21, 2018
The Lilah Music Challenge
What is one song on the radio that annoys you?
"Old Church Choir" by Zach Williams. Ugh. I don't know what it is exactly that makes me hate this song so much but I turn the radio off every time it comes on.
One song that you love and sing along to every time it comes on the radio?
Right now, it's "Counting Every Blessing" by Rend Collective. I actually don't think it fits my voice very well, but I love to sing it at the top of my voice.
Favorite and least favorite genre of music?
Well, it's probably a tie for favorite between EDM and Alternative. As far as least favorite.....well I like most genres, but I don't like screamo or metal. I also don't like funky music.
Last song you listened to?
"Ships in the Night" by Matt Kearney.
A song you've been listening to a lot?
"You Are the Reason" by Calum Scott.
Favorite music video?
I don't really watch music videos.....
Are you listening to music right now?
Yep. So technically the last song I listened to will change from the time I answered it to when I post this.
Favorite romantic song?
Seriously? I have to pick just one? I guess I'll go with "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran. I know. So cliche.
Last song you cried during?
Oh gosh.....Probably "See You Again" by Charlie Puth.
Last song that made you laugh?
I don't think songs really make me laugh, but I'm pretty sure "Deer in the Headlights" by Owl City has made me laugh on occasion.
A song you like in a different language?
Hmm. "Now We Are Free" from Gladiator has beautiful Hebrew lyrics.
Favorite summer song?
"Good Time" by Owl City ft. Carly Rae Jepsen
Road trip song?
Don't have one.....like is that a thing?
Put yourself to sleep song?
"Saturn" by Sleeping at Last.
While you read song?
I don't listen to music while I read.
While you study song?
Again, don't listen to music while I study.
Last song on your playlist?
Well.....I have multiple playlists......
Song that makes you want to dance?
Pretty much anything by Built by Titan, but specifically "Broken Love" or "Collide".
Power song?
"Dangerous" by Built by Titan. That was my senior song.
Instrumental song?
Not sure exactly what this question is asking, but I love "Requiem for a Dream" or "River Flows in You".
A song with a color in it?
Uh....."Real World" by Owl City. *pats myself on the back for thinking of it*
A song that means a lot to you right now?
"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey & "See You Again" by Charlie Puth because I miss Jared hecka much but one day I will be reunited with him. I love you Jared.
Favorite Disney song?
"Evermore" by Dan Stevens from Beauty and the Beast.
Favorite Disney princess song?
"I See the Light" from Tangled or "Let It Go" from Frozen *sue me
Disney song you hate/dislike?
"You're Welcome" from Moana. UGH.
Favorite Disney soundtrack as a whole?
I don't listen to enough Disney to have an answer for this one.
Take your favorite season and make a 5 song playlist for it
My favorite season is spring......and I have no idea how to make a playlist for it.
What are your comfort songs?
- "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey
- "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey
- "No Longer Slaves" by Bethel Music
- "It is Well" by Bethel Music
- "Not Alone" by RED (this is probably #1)
Winter song that is not about Christmas or a typical Christmas song?
"Peppermint Winter" by Owl City.
A song with food in it?
"The Other Side" from the Greatest Showman. I live among the swells and we don't pick up peanut shells!!
Music you listen to while you clean your room?
My Spotify music on shuffle.
Songs for each of your top two holidays?
"Mary Did You Know" for Christmas and "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" for Christmas because I don't have a second favorite holiday.
What movie/TV show theme songs can you sing?
Gilligan's Island, the Brady Bunch.....and I guess that's it.
Song not about relationships, boys, or something super sad or serious?
"Dragon" by Built by Titan.
A folk tune you like?
"Danny Boy". I can also sing this one.
Song that always gets stuck in your head?
"Shut Up and Dance with Me"
Workout playlist?
When I worked out, it was pretty much all my rock songs.
Wedding playlist?
I don't really have a playlist, but one song that I really want in my wedding is "I Get to Love You" by Ruelle.
Do you have a song that reminds you of your OTPs?
"All of Me" by Matt Hammitt reminds me of Esterlyn and Hanilov.
A song you feel different about now that you've seen the music video?
Like I said, I don't really watch music videos.
A song you would recommend to everyone?
"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey.
A song you don't like telling people about so you can horde it and make it "your song"?
I don't have one.
A song that makes you want to go out and do something crazy/adventurous?
"Wake Me Up" by Avicci.
A song that is super catchy, but you don't like?
"Paradise" by Britney Spears is a HORRIBLE song but when my cross training coach used to play it, it would get stuck in my head.
A song you listen to while pretending to listen to someone talk?
Do people actually do this????
A children's song you like?
Uh......idk.....
A lullaby you would sing to your own children?
"Deep in the Meadow" from the Hunger Games or "Hush Sweetheart" written by yours truly.
A song that is your theme song?
I don't have a themes song.
Favorite book about a musician?
Well, I've only read one and that was "Unashamed" by Lecrae.
Favorite music blog?
ABBIEEEEEEEEEEE
An unknown/lesser known musician?
*clears throat* Birdy, Sleeping at Last, Fleurie, Ruelle, Svrcina, Built by Titan, Guy Sebastian......
Favorite radio station?
Air1 all the way.
What musician do you listen to the most?
Well, Owl City is the artist that I own the most songs for.
Rihanna or Beyonce?
Neither, but if I have to choose, Rihanna only because I like her song "Stay"
Last musical you watched?
The Greatest Showman. *insert heart eyes emoji*
A musical you've never watched but really want to?
Les Miserables and Dear Evan Hansen
Favorite musical score from a movie that is not a musical?
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Last musical you belted around the house?
The Greatest Showman.
Favorite song from the Greatest Showman soundtrack?
"This is Me" and "Rewrite the Stars"
Do you have any musical merch?
I have one Skillet shirt. I really want to get more, but it's so darn expensive!
That was a super long ramble about music......I hope you guys enjoyed it and got a little taste of what my music is like. :D
Sunday, June 17, 2018
What No One Tells You About Grief
In my last post, I mentioned a tragic loss. I've thought about writing this post for awhile, but it never seemed to come to me. A lot of thoughts have gone through my head about it, because grief is a multi-faceted emotion. This might be the most open and vulnerable post I've ever written. I will not advertise it, out of sensitivity to my friend's family and the friends who were closer to him than I was, because in this post I want to be able to say everything that is in my heart. Now, just to make things clear, this post is about my personal experience with grief. Everyone deals with grief differently and I'm not telling you that when you experience grief, you're going to experience everything I'm writing about. But you might. Anyway, here goes.
On May 12, 2018 I came home from the end of the year banquet for my brother's robotics team happy and fresh off having a good time with friends. I was going to text my friend Jared about something that had happened and he was probably going to tease me about it and we would probably text for awhile. Before texting him, I checked a messaging app that me and some other friends have and got this message: "Guys, pray for [his] family. A bunch of friends went hiking today and something happened and Jared was swept down a river. I don't know much, but from what I understand, he hasn't been found yet." It was like my heart stopped. I remember sinking to my knees with my hand pressed over my mouth while tears came to my eyes. I went to my mom semi-composed, but then could barely get the words out. And then the tears came. I cried the whole time my dad prayed for him to be found alive and I cried afterwards. I texted Jared's phone telling him that I was scared and that I wanted him to come home. I had hope that he would be found.
Sunday passed without any news and I spent the whole church service trying to keep the tears in. My jaw ached. I randomly cried throughout the day. On Monday night, Jared's church held a prayer service for him. I could barely sing and I couldn't pray in our small circle. I cried and cried. I wanted Jared back. I still had hope that he would be found alive, but my hope was fading even as I held onto it. The agony continued into the week. It was excruciating to wait without any news. It was agonizing to see the sun sink into the sky and know that the search was being called off and Jared still hadn't been found. Thursday night rolled around and I had been saying that I just wanted Jared to be found. I just wanted to know. My hope was a very, very thin thread.
On May 18, 2018 I clocked out for lunch at work and checked my phone. "I just wanted to let you know they found Jared. He is happily dancing in heaven." Gone was the wish to just know if Jared and alive or dead. It was replaced with simultaneous denial and acceptance. I remember thinking that he couldn't be gone. Jared wasn't dead. He couldn't be. My friend could not be gone. But he was and I knew it. I cried. It took me a long time to say that word out loud. I said it in my head, but it took me a couple days to say "dead" or "died" out loud. I didn't want to make it real. Because Jared couldn't be gone. But he was.
People do talk about denial when they talk about grief, but I feel like it doesn't quite cover it. I denied that Jared was gone, but at the same time, I knew that he was in heaven. It's almost as if you're denying the pain more than the actual fact. My first emotions upon hearing of Jared's passing was that I wanted him back. I knew he was with God and that he was free from all pain, but that didn't matter to me because I wanted him here, with me. I wanted him back so much that I cannot describe the fierceness of the longing. It hurt. I had no words for my pain. I truly had no words. I cried a lot. I cried sporadically and I cried myself to sleep. My heart ached (and still does) for Jared's family. He left five siblings behind as well as his parents. I also knew the friends who were with Jared the day he got swept into the river and my heart broke for them as well.
So, denial is the first thing. A lot of people seem to talk about anger when they talk about grief but I never experienced it. I am not mad at God for taking him. I do remember lying in bed one night and asking God over and over again why He took Jared. Why did God take Jared? I don't understand why. I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure I'd ever be satisfied with the why. As Christians, we do have the comfort of knowing that our loved ones are in heaven and that we will see them again, but that did not satisfy me. I want Jared back. It's incredibly selfish, but it's the truth.
However you lose someone, it's painful. But when you come home one night to hear that your friend is missing, the shock is magnified. You're not supposed to lose a friend at 19. People aren't supposed to get swept into rivers and die. Amazing guys like Jared aren't supposed to leave you. But the truth is, these things do happen. When Jared was missing, I thought was that if he was gone, no one would have gotten a goodbye. I thought that would be the hardest part -that I didn't get to say goodbye. And while the unexpectedness does add to the pain, I realized that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd gotten a goodbye. Because I would have wanted one more. Just one more goodbye. And then another and another. An endless stream of just one more days with him.
People also talk about numbness when they talk about grief. But it's not exactly numbness. It's feeling happy and knowing life is good and not feeling sad and knowing that your friend has died. I felt incredibly guilty when that happened. I felt so awful since I knew the pain his family and close friends must be going through. It felt so wrong to be to be okay -to be happy. Guilt over happiness is something that accompanies grief. And trust me, there will be days, or maybe even a whole week, where you feel absolutely fine. I knew Jared was gone, but I wasn't sad. I was okay.
But that's another thing about grief. It's an undulating thing. There will be those days where you are perfectly happy. And then there will be the days like I've been having recently where I can't even listen to a rapper that Jared introduced me to and we shared a love for because it reminds me too much of him. Days where every little thing reminds me of Jared and where things hurt because Jared won't reach that milestone, or he won't be around for an event. Grief comes and goes. The intense pain comes and goes, but the knowledge that Jared is gone will always be there. And I'm realizing that you have to come to terms that you will be living the rest of your life with an ache in your heart. Some days it will be more present than others, and I'll have good days and bad days. But I'll always miss Jared.
I feel like another people don't talk about when it comes to grief is how they want other people to handle it. For one thing, I really don't like the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss" or "So sorry for your loss". Something about using the word loss bothers me. It's not adequate enough for the hole in my heart. I would rather you just simply say "I'm sorry" or "I'm so sorry". I don't want you to be worried about me. Grief is a powerful emotion and it needs to be felt in order to be healthily dealt with. I might have really dark days and that needs to be okay. I don't blame my family and friends for not understanding. There is no way under the sun, even if you're the most empathetic person in the world, to understand what it's like to lose someone if you haven't lost someone. But strange as it may sound, I appreciate it that people didn't try to understand. Just like I don't pretend to understand the pain of Jared's family. It's okay that you don't understand. I just need you to be there for me. I just need you to let me hurt. I just need you to know when to give me a hug and when to make me laugh and when to give me chocolate and when to distract me.
Because let's face it: my heart is broken. I miss Jared more than anything in the world right now. I miss him so, so much. There aren't enough words to express it. He was amazing and I am proud to have been his friend. It hurts. I miss him. I want him back. What no one tells you about grief is how much it hurts.
On May 12, 2018 I came home from the end of the year banquet for my brother's robotics team happy and fresh off having a good time with friends. I was going to text my friend Jared about something that had happened and he was probably going to tease me about it and we would probably text for awhile. Before texting him, I checked a messaging app that me and some other friends have and got this message: "Guys, pray for [his] family. A bunch of friends went hiking today and something happened and Jared was swept down a river. I don't know much, but from what I understand, he hasn't been found yet." It was like my heart stopped. I remember sinking to my knees with my hand pressed over my mouth while tears came to my eyes. I went to my mom semi-composed, but then could barely get the words out. And then the tears came. I cried the whole time my dad prayed for him to be found alive and I cried afterwards. I texted Jared's phone telling him that I was scared and that I wanted him to come home. I had hope that he would be found.
Sunday passed without any news and I spent the whole church service trying to keep the tears in. My jaw ached. I randomly cried throughout the day. On Monday night, Jared's church held a prayer service for him. I could barely sing and I couldn't pray in our small circle. I cried and cried. I wanted Jared back. I still had hope that he would be found alive, but my hope was fading even as I held onto it. The agony continued into the week. It was excruciating to wait without any news. It was agonizing to see the sun sink into the sky and know that the search was being called off and Jared still hadn't been found. Thursday night rolled around and I had been saying that I just wanted Jared to be found. I just wanted to know. My hope was a very, very thin thread.
On May 18, 2018 I clocked out for lunch at work and checked my phone. "I just wanted to let you know they found Jared. He is happily dancing in heaven." Gone was the wish to just know if Jared and alive or dead. It was replaced with simultaneous denial and acceptance. I remember thinking that he couldn't be gone. Jared wasn't dead. He couldn't be. My friend could not be gone. But he was and I knew it. I cried. It took me a long time to say that word out loud. I said it in my head, but it took me a couple days to say "dead" or "died" out loud. I didn't want to make it real. Because Jared couldn't be gone. But he was.
People do talk about denial when they talk about grief, but I feel like it doesn't quite cover it. I denied that Jared was gone, but at the same time, I knew that he was in heaven. It's almost as if you're denying the pain more than the actual fact. My first emotions upon hearing of Jared's passing was that I wanted him back. I knew he was with God and that he was free from all pain, but that didn't matter to me because I wanted him here, with me. I wanted him back so much that I cannot describe the fierceness of the longing. It hurt. I had no words for my pain. I truly had no words. I cried a lot. I cried sporadically and I cried myself to sleep. My heart ached (and still does) for Jared's family. He left five siblings behind as well as his parents. I also knew the friends who were with Jared the day he got swept into the river and my heart broke for them as well.
So, denial is the first thing. A lot of people seem to talk about anger when they talk about grief but I never experienced it. I am not mad at God for taking him. I do remember lying in bed one night and asking God over and over again why He took Jared. Why did God take Jared? I don't understand why. I don't think I ever will. I'm not sure I'd ever be satisfied with the why. As Christians, we do have the comfort of knowing that our loved ones are in heaven and that we will see them again, but that did not satisfy me. I want Jared back. It's incredibly selfish, but it's the truth.
However you lose someone, it's painful. But when you come home one night to hear that your friend is missing, the shock is magnified. You're not supposed to lose a friend at 19. People aren't supposed to get swept into rivers and die. Amazing guys like Jared aren't supposed to leave you. But the truth is, these things do happen. When Jared was missing, I thought was that if he was gone, no one would have gotten a goodbye. I thought that would be the hardest part -that I didn't get to say goodbye. And while the unexpectedness does add to the pain, I realized that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd gotten a goodbye. Because I would have wanted one more. Just one more goodbye. And then another and another. An endless stream of just one more days with him.
People also talk about numbness when they talk about grief. But it's not exactly numbness. It's feeling happy and knowing life is good and not feeling sad and knowing that your friend has died. I felt incredibly guilty when that happened. I felt so awful since I knew the pain his family and close friends must be going through. It felt so wrong to be to be okay -to be happy. Guilt over happiness is something that accompanies grief. And trust me, there will be days, or maybe even a whole week, where you feel absolutely fine. I knew Jared was gone, but I wasn't sad. I was okay.
But that's another thing about grief. It's an undulating thing. There will be those days where you are perfectly happy. And then there will be the days like I've been having recently where I can't even listen to a rapper that Jared introduced me to and we shared a love for because it reminds me too much of him. Days where every little thing reminds me of Jared and where things hurt because Jared won't reach that milestone, or he won't be around for an event. Grief comes and goes. The intense pain comes and goes, but the knowledge that Jared is gone will always be there. And I'm realizing that you have to come to terms that you will be living the rest of your life with an ache in your heart. Some days it will be more present than others, and I'll have good days and bad days. But I'll always miss Jared.
I feel like another people don't talk about when it comes to grief is how they want other people to handle it. For one thing, I really don't like the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss" or "So sorry for your loss". Something about using the word loss bothers me. It's not adequate enough for the hole in my heart. I would rather you just simply say "I'm sorry" or "I'm so sorry". I don't want you to be worried about me. Grief is a powerful emotion and it needs to be felt in order to be healthily dealt with. I might have really dark days and that needs to be okay. I don't blame my family and friends for not understanding. There is no way under the sun, even if you're the most empathetic person in the world, to understand what it's like to lose someone if you haven't lost someone. But strange as it may sound, I appreciate it that people didn't try to understand. Just like I don't pretend to understand the pain of Jared's family. It's okay that you don't understand. I just need you to be there for me. I just need you to let me hurt. I just need you to know when to give me a hug and when to make me laugh and when to give me chocolate and when to distract me.
Because let's face it: my heart is broken. I miss Jared more than anything in the world right now. I miss him so, so much. There aren't enough words to express it. He was amazing and I am proud to have been his friend. It hurts. I miss him. I want him back. What no one tells you about grief is how much it hurts.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
I've Been Gone
Well, it's been about four months since I wrote a blog post.....go ahead and slap me. But the truth is, life has been pretty crazy. School and work have sucked a lot of life out of me, and my WIPs have been neglected as well. And two weeks ago, the most tragic loss I've experienced came out of nowhere and slammed me into the ground. I came on here to look at the last post I'd written (Why Do I Blog?) and as soon as I saw the title, I was like, oh man. It was an answer to a question that my recently lost friend had asked me. I want to start blogging again because this loss has caused me to be more determined to fulfill my purpose in writing. There will eventually be a post about this loss, and there will also be an open, honest post about my experience with grief. There will also be fun and light posts and eventually I'll get back in the groove of things. I appreciate everyone who has read my blog, and I thank you for taking the time to read this :) Hope to post again soon!
~Clarissa
~Clarissa
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Why Do I Blog?
Why do you blog? A friend of mine recently asked me this question, and perhaps some of my readers ask this question as well.
I only recently started reading people's blogs (shortly before I started my own) and until then, I was extremely unfamiliar with the world of blogging. I personally don't think I have the greatest blogger presence, and the graphics of my blog aren't anything worth writing home about either. I also struggle to write posts consistently. So why do I blog?
I blog for the same reason that I write: to touch people's lives. I blog for the power that words have. I blog because I believe that God can use what I write to transform someone's day, or even someone's life. I blog because I believe that my opinions and advice and maybe even my ramblings are something worth offering to a broken and dying world.
I think all human beings desire connection, and it's an amazing thing when you connect to the words of a person maybe you haven't even met in real life. It gives us a sense of belonging. It makes us feel like we're understood. Not feeling either of those things is not pleasant, and anything that I can contribute to take away that is my pleasure.
Now, if I'm being honest, there's also a selfish reason why I blog (the same goes for why I write). I blog to process my thoughts about life and the struggles I'm going through. And even though it's to help me deal with things, I hope that others can draw strength and hope from those posts. When I wrote my post about the challenge of being a Christian with depression, the number of people it encouraged moved me so much.
Also, I blog simply because it brings me joy to write in any shape or form, and it brings me happiness to share my thoughts with the world and be the light that God calls us to be through my writing.
My main goal in blogging is to inspire others, to strengthen others, to give hope, to give light, and sometimes to just bring some happiness to someone.
Thank you to all who read my blog. If you follow my blog, or even if you've just read one of my posts and liked what I had to say, comment and let me know what you would like me to blog about! Your wish is my command ;)
~Clarissa
I only recently started reading people's blogs (shortly before I started my own) and until then, I was extremely unfamiliar with the world of blogging. I personally don't think I have the greatest blogger presence, and the graphics of my blog aren't anything worth writing home about either. I also struggle to write posts consistently. So why do I blog?
I blog for the same reason that I write: to touch people's lives. I blog for the power that words have. I blog because I believe that God can use what I write to transform someone's day, or even someone's life. I blog because I believe that my opinions and advice and maybe even my ramblings are something worth offering to a broken and dying world.
I think all human beings desire connection, and it's an amazing thing when you connect to the words of a person maybe you haven't even met in real life. It gives us a sense of belonging. It makes us feel like we're understood. Not feeling either of those things is not pleasant, and anything that I can contribute to take away that is my pleasure.
Now, if I'm being honest, there's also a selfish reason why I blog (the same goes for why I write). I blog to process my thoughts about life and the struggles I'm going through. And even though it's to help me deal with things, I hope that others can draw strength and hope from those posts. When I wrote my post about the challenge of being a Christian with depression, the number of people it encouraged moved me so much.
Also, I blog simply because it brings me joy to write in any shape or form, and it brings me happiness to share my thoughts with the world and be the light that God calls us to be through my writing.
My main goal in blogging is to inspire others, to strengthen others, to give hope, to give light, and sometimes to just bring some happiness to someone.
Thank you to all who read my blog. If you follow my blog, or even if you've just read one of my posts and liked what I had to say, comment and let me know what you would like me to blog about! Your wish is my command ;)
~Clarissa
Sunday, December 31, 2017
2017: My Year in Review
Everybody! Another year is ending. 2017 will soon be over. 2018 will begin. It is time to reflect upon the past 365 days. The accomplishments. The failures. The happiness. The pain. The joys. The sorrows. The gains. The losses.
This year has been a roller coaster, and it seemed to have more downs than ups. But that's what life is. A beautiful tangled mess that at the end of the day, we wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Here's mine.
In March, I wrote my most commented on post WIPs!! . You guys loved it :)
In September, I reached the one year mark of blogging!
In October, I wrote my most viewed post Struggling With Depression Does Not Make You A Bad Christian. It's also one of my favorite posts that I've done.
I reached over 3,000 views!
I want to complete and edit the first draft of The Blood Oath.
I want both our alpha and beta readers to finish The Blood Oath.
I want to complete and edit the first draft of Shadows.
I want to publish and/or find an agent for The Other Side.
I read 15 fictional books this year.
I read 3 trilogies:
The Winner's Curse, The Winner's Crime, and The Winner's Kiss by Marie Rutkoski.
Alloy of Law, Shadows of Self, and Bands of Mourning by Brandon Sanderson.
Scarlet, Lady Thief, and Lionheart by A. C. Gaughen.
I read 5 genres:
Contemporary Romance, Young Adult (YA), Fantasy, Christian, Historical Fiction.
I started two books:
Oathbringer (Stormlight Archive #3) by Brandon Sanderson.
Eye of the World (Wheel of Time #1) by Robert Jordan.
I read Can't Help Falling and Heartless, which both tore my heart out, but only Can't Help Falling gave it back.
Finish Oathbringer. Only 1,050 pages to go!
Finish Eye of the World.
Read at least #2 and #3 of The Wheel of Time series.
Read 20 books.
Artist: Fleurie
Genre: Alternative
Favorite Song: "Hymn"
Artist: Ruelle
Genre: Alternative
Favorite Song: "The Other Side"
Artist: Sleeping At Last
Genre: Electronic
Favorite Song: "Saturn"
Artist: Jackie Evancho
Genre: Classical/Pop
Favorite Song: "Sane"
Artist: NF
Genre: Rap
Favorite Song: "Let You Down"
Artist: The Greatest Showman
Genre: Soundtrack
Favorite: "This is Me" *but I'm obsessed with the whole thing
I want to film/release at least one YouTube cover.
I want to extend my vocal range.
The Fault in Our Stars
I absolutely loved this movie. 5 out 5 stars. It was such a beautifully honest and real love story. I cried so hard my eyes were puffy and red after it ended. I want to own this movie because I will definitely watch it again. Okay? Okay.
V for Vendetta
This movie was a thought-provoking one. 4 out of 5 stars. A lot of moral questions. I loved Evie and V. I loved the sacrifice and the emotion. I would watch this one again.
The Greatest Showman
Omigosh! This movie. Absolutely loved it! 5 out 5 stars. I would go see it in theaters again. The soundtrack is AMAZING! It was such a beautiful story of courage, family, acceptance, perseverance, and love.
March:
April:
May:
June:
July:
As I said at the beginning of this post, this year was a roller coaster with what seemed like more downs than ups. I lost two of my closest friendships. I've grown distant with a couple others. But I also made a few new friends.
There was a lot of change and upheaval as I transitioned into being out of high school. There was a lot of stress as I tried to find a job as an 18 year old with no experience. There was a lot of feeling isolated. Depression came back after being gone for a couple of years. There was a tremendous feeling of loss this year.
However, God has taught me through these trials (as He always does). I have learned to respect myself more. I have learned to respect my time and my emotions more. I have learned that even though it is as hard as heck, sometimes the best thing to do is to let it go.
I am ready for 2017 to be over. I am ready for a new year and for a new beginning. God is going to do great things in my life, and I am so excited. I'm hoping it'll be easier than this year, but if not, I will simply trust in Him and know that everything is according to His plan.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
~Clarissa
This year has been a roller coaster, and it seemed to have more downs than ups. But that's what life is. A beautiful tangled mess that at the end of the day, we wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Here's mine.
BLOGGING
ACCOMPLISHMENTS
In March, I wrote my most commented on post WIPs!! . You guys loved it :)
In September, I reached the one year mark of blogging!
In October, I wrote my most viewed post Struggling With Depression Does Not Make You A Bad Christian. It's also one of my favorite posts that I've done.
I reached over 3,000 views!
GOALS
I want to consistently publish one blog post a week. Sunday will be the posting day.
I want to reach 5,000 views by June.
I want to set up my follow button so you guys can follow me!
WRITING
ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Kelton and I began writing The Blood Oath.
The Blood Oath is currently at 71,796 words.
I continued writing Shadows, my 2016 NaNoWriMo project.
Shadows is currently at 76,612 words.
I finished my first short story, "Treasure of the Heart", and it totaled at not quite 2,500 words.
GOALS
I want both our alpha and beta readers to finish The Blood Oath.
I want to complete and edit the first draft of Shadows.
I want to publish and/or find an agent for The Other Side.
READING
ACCOMPLISHMENTS
I read 15 fictional books this year.
I read 3 trilogies:
The Winner's Curse, The Winner's Crime, and The Winner's Kiss by Marie Rutkoski.
Alloy of Law, Shadows of Self, and Bands of Mourning by Brandon Sanderson.
Scarlet, Lady Thief, and Lionheart by A. C. Gaughen.
I read 5 genres:
Contemporary Romance, Young Adult (YA), Fantasy, Christian, Historical Fiction.
I started two books:
Oathbringer (Stormlight Archive #3) by Brandon Sanderson.
Eye of the World (Wheel of Time #1) by Robert Jordan.
I read Can't Help Falling and Heartless, which both tore my heart out, but only Can't Help Falling gave it back.
GOALS
Finish Oathbringer. Only 1,050 pages to go!
Finish Eye of the World.
Read at least #2 and #3 of The Wheel of Time series.
Read 20 books.
MUSIC
DISCOVERED
Artist: Fleurie
Genre: Alternative
Favorite Song: "Hymn"
Artist: Ruelle
Genre: Alternative
Favorite Song: "The Other Side"
Artist: Sleeping At Last
Genre: Electronic
Favorite Song: "Saturn"
Artist: Jackie Evancho
Genre: Classical/Pop
Favorite Song: "Sane"
Artist: NF
Genre: Rap
Favorite Song: "Let You Down"
Artist: The Greatest Showman
Genre: Soundtrack
Favorite: "This is Me" *but I'm obsessed with the whole thing
GOALS
I want to film/release at least one YouTube cover.
I want to extend my vocal range.
MOVIES
WATCHED (TOP 3)
The Fault in Our Stars
I absolutely loved this movie. 5 out 5 stars. It was such a beautifully honest and real love story. I cried so hard my eyes were puffy and red after it ended. I want to own this movie because I will definitely watch it again. Okay? Okay.
V for Vendetta
This movie was a thought-provoking one. 4 out of 5 stars. A lot of moral questions. I loved Evie and V. I loved the sacrifice and the emotion. I would watch this one again.
The Greatest Showman
Omigosh! This movie. Absolutely loved it! 5 out 5 stars. I would go see it in theaters again. The soundtrack is AMAZING! It was such a beautiful story of courage, family, acceptance, perseverance, and love.
LIFE
HIGHLIGHTS
March:
- CHEFA senior banquet. It was a beautiful night at which I felt like a princess.
April:
- I flew to Houston with my brother's robotics team to watch them play at the World Championship. That remains the best weekend of 2017. It was awesome to be part of the team for a little while, and I basically spent 3 straight days with some of my closest friends. One of my friends and I were the closest we have ever been. I had so much fun cheering Team 3303 on.
- I performed in my last choir and Visual Sound performance. I loved every single song the choir sang, and I performed the lead in one of the Visual Sound songs. It was awesome.
May:
- I took my own personal senior trip with three friends and I had an amazing time. We had so much fun playing games and running around the beach.
- My best friend (who lives in Florida) was able to come visit for a week. She was my partner in watching The Fault in Our Stars. We just hung out and played an infinite number of Spit games. We watched a movie every night, and we stayed up talking. It was awesome. #friends13yearsandcounting
June:
- I completed the mentorship program at my church. My mentor and I did many fun things in the 6 months that we hung out, and I have gained a friend who is able to offer me advice from a more mature viewpoint.
July:
- I helped plan and attend my first surprise birthday party for one of my friends. We completely succeeded in surprising him, and that was a great feeling. We also went to see Wonder Woman afterwards and I fell asleep in the theater.
- Some of my friends and I went to visit a friend who was working at a summer camp from June to August. We kinda missed him, so it was great to see him.
MILESTONES
- June 2: I graduated high school with 48 college credits!
- June 13: I turned 18 years old!!
- June 29: I was accepted to Regent University to begin a B.A. in English
- July 31: I passed my driver's test!
- August 21: I started my first college semester
- August 22: I started working my first full-time job
- December 16: I completed half the credits necessary for my degree!
WRAP-UP
As I said at the beginning of this post, this year was a roller coaster with what seemed like more downs than ups. I lost two of my closest friendships. I've grown distant with a couple others. But I also made a few new friends.
There was a lot of change and upheaval as I transitioned into being out of high school. There was a lot of stress as I tried to find a job as an 18 year old with no experience. There was a lot of feeling isolated. Depression came back after being gone for a couple of years. There was a tremendous feeling of loss this year.
However, God has taught me through these trials (as He always does). I have learned to respect myself more. I have learned to respect my time and my emotions more. I have learned that even though it is as hard as heck, sometimes the best thing to do is to let it go.
I am ready for 2017 to be over. I am ready for a new year and for a new beginning. God is going to do great things in my life, and I am so excited. I'm hoping it'll be easier than this year, but if not, I will simply trust in Him and know that everything is according to His plan.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
~Clarissa
Monday, December 18, 2017
Dear Unknown Girl: You Are Brave
This post came from a conversation with one of my closest friends. She told me I was brave, and when I asked why she thought that, her response floored me, and meant more to me than I can express. Here it is:
You go through a lot and you push through. It's hard and you don't give up.
After she told me that, I thought about how that changed my perspective of my struggles, and how it encouraged me. And today, I wanted to write a letter to all the girls to encourage them the way my friend encouraged me.
Dear Unknown Girl,
You are brave.
You want to know why? Well, there's this crazy messy beautiful thing called life, and you are living it. That is bravery. You got out of bed this morning. You might have cried yourself to sleep last night, but you still got up to face another day. That is bravery. You might be struggling with depression, but you absolutely fangirled over the amazing thing that happened to your friend. That is bravery. You might have thought about committing suicide, but then you thought of your family and friends and all that could be and chose life. That is bravery. You might have had your heart broken, but you continue to love utterly and completely. That is bravery. You might have been betrayed, but you forgive. That is bravery.You might have wanted to keep your story to yourself, but instead you shared it. That is bravery.
You are brave.
Bravery is so often portrayed as extraordinary courage, but the reality is that whenever you chose the hard thing, you are being brave. Whenever you refuse to give in to whatever tries to bring you down, you are being brave. Whenever you say no to something wrong, you are being brave. Whenever you love someone more than yourself, you are being brave. Whenever you share the vulnerable pieces of your heart, you are being brave. Whenever you laugh when you could cry instead, you are being brave. Whenever you say yes when you want to say no, you are being brave.
You are brave.
It's time to recognize that small, everyday acts can be acts of bravery, and I hope you join me in starting to see the bravery all around you. I hope this made you realize what a brave girl you are. Yes, it is true.
Love,
Clarissa
You go through a lot and you push through. It's hard and you don't give up.
After she told me that, I thought about how that changed my perspective of my struggles, and how it encouraged me. And today, I wanted to write a letter to all the girls to encourage them the way my friend encouraged me.
Dear Unknown Girl,
You are brave.
You want to know why? Well, there's this crazy messy beautiful thing called life, and you are living it. That is bravery. You got out of bed this morning. You might have cried yourself to sleep last night, but you still got up to face another day. That is bravery. You might be struggling with depression, but you absolutely fangirled over the amazing thing that happened to your friend. That is bravery. You might have thought about committing suicide, but then you thought of your family and friends and all that could be and chose life. That is bravery. You might have had your heart broken, but you continue to love utterly and completely. That is bravery. You might have been betrayed, but you forgive. That is bravery.You might have wanted to keep your story to yourself, but instead you shared it. That is bravery.
You are brave.
Bravery is so often portrayed as extraordinary courage, but the reality is that whenever you chose the hard thing, you are being brave. Whenever you refuse to give in to whatever tries to bring you down, you are being brave. Whenever you say no to something wrong, you are being brave. Whenever you love someone more than yourself, you are being brave. Whenever you share the vulnerable pieces of your heart, you are being brave. Whenever you laugh when you could cry instead, you are being brave. Whenever you say yes when you want to say no, you are being brave.
You are brave.
It's time to recognize that small, everyday acts can be acts of bravery, and I hope you join me in starting to see the bravery all around you. I hope this made you realize what a brave girl you are. Yes, it is true.
Love,
Clarissa
Sunday, December 10, 2017
The Wintery Weather Tag
Thank you to my friend Musicgirl121 for tagging me in this post!!
FAVORITE CANDLE SCENT?
Hmm. I don't really burn candles, but I like sweet scents, like sugar cookie, pumpkin pie, etc. I don't really have a favorite though
COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE?
Tea. I usually drink hot red or chai tea in the winter, but I love drinking iced green tea in the summer.
WHAT IS YOUR BEST FALL MEMORY?
Oh! I know! In the fall of 2014, my drama class performed The Other Side. I wrote the play and performed the lead role and it was freaking amazing. After the last scene, me and my main scene partner stood onstage in the dark for a moment. As the applause started, we squeezed each other's hand before walking off. It was absolutely the best night of my life.
BEST FRAGRANCE FOR FALL?
Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger....all mixed together for cookies or something.
FAVORITE THANKSGIVING FOOD?
Sweet potato casserole. I mean, come on. It has brown sugar, spices, and marshmallows. It's amazing.
WHAT IS AUTUMN WEATHER WHERE YOU LIVE?
It has a gorgeous light that somehow makes the world feel good, and it has a nice temperature of not being hot, but also not being too cold. And the leaves fall and blow along the street.
MOST WORN SWEATER?
If sweatshirts count, my senior Unshaken sweatshirt. If not, I guess this gray sweater that I just bought this year. It's so soft and comfy and I can wear leggings with it.
FOOTBALL GAMES OR JUMPING IN LEAF PILES?
Is that even a choice? Football all the way, baby!! I have been watching football since I was in my mom's tummy. And football is literally on right now. #GoBroncos
SKINNY JEANS OR LEGGINGS?
Definitely leggings. They're so much more comfortable, plus skinny jeans don't look great on me.
COMBAT BOOTS OR UGGS?
Neither I guess? I pretty much only wear my black heeled boots in autumn/winter, so...
IS PUMPKIN SPICE WORTH THE HYPE?
Not exactly. I mean, I love pumpkin and everything, but why obsess over it?
BEST FALL TV SHOW?
I don't really watch TV shows.
WHAT SONG GETS YOU IN THE FALL SPIRIT?
That's a tough question.....I don't really have one, but "Peppermint Winter" by Owl City gets me into the winter spirit. That sorta counts.
HATS OR SCARVES?
I don't really wear either, but I'm starting to wear more scarves.
#1 FAVORITE THING ABOUT FALL?
Not sure.....for me, I kinda feel like fall is a new beginning because it's the start of a new school year. Last year, fall started my senior year. This year, fall started my first college semester. So I guess it's like beginning for me.
I will just randomly pick Abbiee @ AbbieeMusicBlog because she would just do such a cozy post.
~Clarissa
FAVORITE CANDLE SCENT?
Hmm. I don't really burn candles, but I like sweet scents, like sugar cookie, pumpkin pie, etc. I don't really have a favorite though
COFFEE, TEA, OR HOT CHOCOLATE?
Tea. I usually drink hot red or chai tea in the winter, but I love drinking iced green tea in the summer.
WHAT IS YOUR BEST FALL MEMORY?
Oh! I know! In the fall of 2014, my drama class performed The Other Side. I wrote the play and performed the lead role and it was freaking amazing. After the last scene, me and my main scene partner stood onstage in the dark for a moment. As the applause started, we squeezed each other's hand before walking off. It was absolutely the best night of my life.
BEST FRAGRANCE FOR FALL?
Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger....all mixed together for cookies or something.
FAVORITE THANKSGIVING FOOD?
Sweet potato casserole. I mean, come on. It has brown sugar, spices, and marshmallows. It's amazing.
WHAT IS AUTUMN WEATHER WHERE YOU LIVE?
It has a gorgeous light that somehow makes the world feel good, and it has a nice temperature of not being hot, but also not being too cold. And the leaves fall and blow along the street.
MOST WORN SWEATER?
If sweatshirts count, my senior Unshaken sweatshirt. If not, I guess this gray sweater that I just bought this year. It's so soft and comfy and I can wear leggings with it.
FOOTBALL GAMES OR JUMPING IN LEAF PILES?
Is that even a choice? Football all the way, baby!! I have been watching football since I was in my mom's tummy. And football is literally on right now. #GoBroncos
SKINNY JEANS OR LEGGINGS?
Definitely leggings. They're so much more comfortable, plus skinny jeans don't look great on me.
COMBAT BOOTS OR UGGS?
Neither I guess? I pretty much only wear my black heeled boots in autumn/winter, so...
IS PUMPKIN SPICE WORTH THE HYPE?
Not exactly. I mean, I love pumpkin and everything, but why obsess over it?
BEST FALL TV SHOW?
I don't really watch TV shows.
WHAT SONG GETS YOU IN THE FALL SPIRIT?
That's a tough question.....I don't really have one, but "Peppermint Winter" by Owl City gets me into the winter spirit. That sorta counts.
HATS OR SCARVES?
I don't really wear either, but I'm starting to wear more scarves.
#1 FAVORITE THING ABOUT FALL?
Not sure.....for me, I kinda feel like fall is a new beginning because it's the start of a new school year. Last year, fall started my senior year. This year, fall started my first college semester. So I guess it's like beginning for me.
I will just randomly pick Abbiee @ AbbieeMusicBlog because she would just do such a cozy post.
~Clarissa
Friday, December 8, 2017
My WIP Shadows: The Inspiration
One of my friends recently asked me what the inspiration was for my current WIP, Shadows. Today I am going to try to piece that story together as best I can. First, some background on this story for those aren't familiar with it.
Genre: Futuristic. Not quite dystopian, not quite sci-fi, not quite romance. I used to classify it as suspense, but the pacing isn't really right for that (but maybe it will be after edits).
Word Count: 75,247
Synopsis: Lila Osweil lives in a city full of shadows, but she has never bothered to learn what they hide. All she can focus on is how to escape her abusive father and run away into the arms of her childhood sweetheart Jacob. When Jacob tells her of the government's offer to give her freedom if she becomes an agent for them, Lila accepts. But frightening visions that begin after her father nearly has Jacob killed haunt her, and as she begins her training, everything and everyone she knows begins to twist around her until Lila can no longer determine what is real and what isn't.
When I was first asked what inspired this novel, I really couldn't think of anything. The following story is my attempt at explaining how my brain comes up with ideas.
It was the spring of my junior year and I was sitting in economics class, rather bored by what my teacher was talking about because it wasn't curriculum and I didn't need to take notes on it because it was only for "edification". (Just a note, this teacher was my favorite teacher, but even he couldn't make economics interesting). I turned to the back of my notebook and starting writing a random thing. I had always wanted to start a book right in the middle of the action with a dramatic sentence. That turned into the now beginning of Shadows:
"I scream, and scream as they drag Jacob away."
I think I only wrote a little more than a paragraph that day. I wrote around 3 more pages, but then it just sat in my notebook until I decided to take the idea and turn it into my NaNoWriMo project. I wanted a book that was full of twists and turns, secrets and shadows, confusion and terror. Okay, that was a bit dramatic and far-fetched, but it's doing pretty good I think.
Shadows has actually turned into a novel whose protagonist is the most like me that I've ever written. Her greatest struggle is one that I myself have struggled with so much. The things she experiences mirror my own scars. It contains probably my most beloved male character. And it contains a message that I try my best to follow and encourage others in.
So this book that arose out of boredom and a desire to be dramatic has turned into a story that I am super excited to finish (seriously, the plot twists are gonna be EPIC.......I hope).
Hopefully you enjoyed a look into the background of my WIP.!
~Clarissa
Genre: Futuristic. Not quite dystopian, not quite sci-fi, not quite romance. I used to classify it as suspense, but the pacing isn't really right for that (but maybe it will be after edits).
Word Count: 75,247
Synopsis: Lila Osweil lives in a city full of shadows, but she has never bothered to learn what they hide. All she can focus on is how to escape her abusive father and run away into the arms of her childhood sweetheart Jacob. When Jacob tells her of the government's offer to give her freedom if she becomes an agent for them, Lila accepts. But frightening visions that begin after her father nearly has Jacob killed haunt her, and as she begins her training, everything and everyone she knows begins to twist around her until Lila can no longer determine what is real and what isn't.
When I was first asked what inspired this novel, I really couldn't think of anything. The following story is my attempt at explaining how my brain comes up with ideas.
It was the spring of my junior year and I was sitting in economics class, rather bored by what my teacher was talking about because it wasn't curriculum and I didn't need to take notes on it because it was only for "edification". (Just a note, this teacher was my favorite teacher, but even he couldn't make economics interesting). I turned to the back of my notebook and starting writing a random thing. I had always wanted to start a book right in the middle of the action with a dramatic sentence. That turned into the now beginning of Shadows:
"I scream, and scream as they drag Jacob away."
I think I only wrote a little more than a paragraph that day. I wrote around 3 more pages, but then it just sat in my notebook until I decided to take the idea and turn it into my NaNoWriMo project. I wanted a book that was full of twists and turns, secrets and shadows, confusion and terror. Okay, that was a bit dramatic and far-fetched, but it's doing pretty good I think.
Shadows has actually turned into a novel whose protagonist is the most like me that I've ever written. Her greatest struggle is one that I myself have struggled with so much. The things she experiences mirror my own scars. It contains probably my most beloved male character. And it contains a message that I try my best to follow and encourage others in.
So this book that arose out of boredom and a desire to be dramatic has turned into a story that I am super excited to finish (seriously, the plot twists are gonna be EPIC.......I hope).
Hopefully you enjoyed a look into the background of my WIP.!
~Clarissa
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Thanksgiving: It's the Little Things
It's Thanksgiving. It's the day where everyone posts pictures of family and food and says what they're thankful for. And today is a day that I'm struggling to be thankful. It's been a hard year. Should I really give thanks for all the pain that's come my way? Then I remember I'm a writer. And just like a book, life comes in chapters. True, this chapter isn't my favorite. BUT. I am breathing. I can see. I can hear. I can taste. I can touch. I can smell. I can use every limb of my body. I have two parents and they are still married. I have friends who care about me. I have a job. I have the ability to go to college. I have a Savior who died for me. It is in moments like this where God reminds me that it's the little things. I do have so much to be thankful for. I can be thankful for the amazing chapters, and the mediocre ones, and the painful ones because they're just chapters. They are not my whole story. I have a life that is being woven into a story more beautiful than I could ever imagine, and I am thankful.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Get To Know Me Tag
Thanks to one of my blogger friends to doing this tag so I could do it!
Here's an info dump about me.........never mind that info dumps are a big no in writing.
VITAL STATS
Full Name: Clarissa Joy Mosemann
Nickname: Clare
Birthday: June 13, 1999 (I was born in a different century!)
Place of Birth: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Star Sign: not into that stuff
Occupation: receptionist and college student
APPEARANCE
Hair color: Brown
Hair length: almost to my hips
Eye color: Brown
Best feature: my eyes (according to my own opinion)
Braces: thank heavens those days are over
Piercings: 1 in each ear
Tattoos: None
Righty or lefty: righthanded
FIRSTS
Best Friend: Abigail Hodges. 13 years later, she's still my best friend.
Award: I'm going to guess the little trophy I got for soccer when I was 7.
Sport: Soccer. That was very short lived
Real Holiday: Fourth of July? Thanksgiving if you're going for the first big holiday.
Concert: Steven Curtis Chapman in Orlando when I was like 8 or something.
FAVORITES
Film: The Chronicles of Narnia series
TV Show: ummmm......Star Trek Voyager
Color: Black
Song: don't ask me to do the impossible
Restaurant: hmm. Panera Bread
Shop: Ross?
Books: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover
Shoes: My black heeled boots
CURRENTLY
Feeling: A mixture of depressed and happy. Don't ask me how that's possible. It just is.
Single or Taken? Single
Eating: Nothing, but I just finished a mint
Thinking about: something too personal to share
Watching: um, nothing since I'm writing this blog post
Wearing: black jeans, ribbed maroon shirt, and my black jacket
FUTURE
Want kids? HECK YES. (please someone comment about this)
Want to be married? Absolutely
Career in mind: Author
Where you want to live: Fresno?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN
God: Absolutely. I still will never be able to fathom how people look at this world and don't think there is a God.
Miracles: Yes
Love at First Sight: No. I believe in attraction at first sight, but not love
Ghosts: No
Aliens: other than people who like math? No
Soul mates: Sort of
Heaven: Yes
Hell: Yes
Kissing on the First Date: HECK NO
Yourself: It's a journey. Some days yes, some days no
Comment below!
~Clarissa
Here's an info dump about me.........never mind that info dumps are a big no in writing.
VITAL STATS
Full Name: Clarissa Joy Mosemann
Nickname: Clare
Birthday: June 13, 1999 (I was born in a different century!)
Place of Birth: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Star Sign: not into that stuff
Occupation: receptionist and college student
APPEARANCE
Hair color: Brown
Hair length: almost to my hips
Eye color: Brown
Best feature: my eyes (according to my own opinion)
Braces: thank heavens those days are over
Piercings: 1 in each ear
Tattoos: None
Righty or lefty: righthanded
FIRSTS
Best Friend: Abigail Hodges. 13 years later, she's still my best friend.
Award: I'm going to guess the little trophy I got for soccer when I was 7.
Sport: Soccer. That was very short lived
Real Holiday: Fourth of July? Thanksgiving if you're going for the first big holiday.
Concert: Steven Curtis Chapman in Orlando when I was like 8 or something.
FAVORITES
Film: The Chronicles of Narnia series
TV Show: ummmm......Star Trek Voyager
Color: Black
Song: don't ask me to do the impossible
Restaurant: hmm. Panera Bread
Shop: Ross?
Books: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak and Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover
Shoes: My black heeled boots
CURRENTLY
Feeling: A mixture of depressed and happy. Don't ask me how that's possible. It just is.
Single or Taken? Single
Eating: Nothing, but I just finished a mint
Thinking about: something too personal to share
Watching: um, nothing since I'm writing this blog post
Wearing: black jeans, ribbed maroon shirt, and my black jacket
FUTURE
Want kids? HECK YES. (please someone comment about this)
Want to be married? Absolutely
Career in mind: Author
Where you want to live: Fresno?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN
God: Absolutely. I still will never be able to fathom how people look at this world and don't think there is a God.
Miracles: Yes
Love at First Sight: No. I believe in attraction at first sight, but not love
Ghosts: No
Aliens: other than people who like math? No
Soul mates: Sort of
Heaven: Yes
Hell: Yes
Kissing on the First Date: HECK NO
Yourself: It's a journey. Some days yes, some days no
Comment below!
~Clarissa
Saturday, November 11, 2017
How's the Writing Going?
This post was stolen off of my friend's blog, and I thank her (she knows who she is). This post is supposed to be for NaNoWriMo, but since I'm not doing NaNo, it'll just be about my current novels. Oh yeah, you read that right. You get to hear about both of them.
Overall, how's your mental state and how is your novel going?
Shadows: I'm rather frustrated that I am not writing this one very much, and also frustrated because I just want to get to the climax and I want things to happen and my characters to get what they want but so much stuff has to happen before I can write those things. UGH. So the novel isn't going great, because it's not exactly going right now. #busy
The Blood Oath: Still as much in love with this book as the day my friend and I started writing it. I am so excited to finish it, but I know I'm also going to be sad because you can never get back the experience of writing your first draft. But it's going pretty good. My friend and I write about once a week, and we usually write around 1,500 to 2,000 words a session.
What's your first sentence (or paragraph)?
Shadows: "I scream, and keep screaming as they drag Jacob away."
The Blood Oath: "Esterlyn's breath came hard and fast as her feet flew over the sand."
Who's your current favorite character in your novel?
Shadows: Ugh, so hard to choose! But I guess I'm going to have to go with Kent. He's so quiet, and mysterious, and handsome, and deep. I love him so much.
The Blood Oath: Esterlyn. Duh. I mean Hanilov is great too, but Esterlyn is my sweet, fierce, passionate, beautiful, strong, vulnerable and amazing heroine.
What do you love about your novel so far?
Shadows: I love writing in first person as Lila and getting into her messy tangle of a head that is very much like mine. I love writing those moments between her and someone else #spoilers I love the web of secrets and the plot twists that I'm building up to. I can't wait!!
The Blood Oath: I love #spoilers. I love writing it with my friend. I love #spoilers. Haha sorry, but I can't ruin anything!
Have you made any hilarious typos?
Shadows: No, but I have written something else entirely different than what I wanted to because i was either listening to or thinking about something else.
The Blood Oath: oh my word yes. I was writing about a character and I meant to say they shifted but instead I wrote shited and I cracked up so hard!!! (that's the s word in Scotland).
What's your favorite to write: beginning, middle, or end? Why?
The beginning because it's the start of a grand adventure. But also the end because you're finishing it (!!!) and that last sentence is just so indescribably amazing to write.
What are your writing habits? Do you have a specific snack? Do you listen to music? What time of day do you write best?
I don't usually eat while I'm writing, but if I am, it's always bite sized stuff like skittles, chocolate chips, chips because I like to keep something in my mouth. I don't usually listen to music, but a lot of times I do for a "big scene" or if I feel particularly writerish and cozy. Ironically, I'm listening to music right now. As for a time of day, I feel like afternoon or evening.
How private are you about your novel when you're writing it?
Not private at all. I have an email list that is sent my work chapter by chapter. The exception has been The Blood Oath because all that's been released from that is a synopsis and a teaser scene.
What keeps you writing when it's hard?
The knowledge that this is what I'm meant to do, and that it's the only thing that's going to make me happy all the time. It's how I deal with life and I need it. It's how I'm going to bring the light that is so desperately needed in this world.
Top 3 pieces of writing advice?
#1. Write what you're afraid of. Write about those things that nobody wants to write about. Write about your fears. Write about your wounds and your scars.
#2. Write when you are not inspired to. I once saw a quote that said "inspiration is for amateurs." Sound harsh? It's true. You must write when you don't want to or don't feel like it. It will make you a better writer, and I promise that 99% of the time, amazing things come when you push yourself. That other 1% of the time, just take the break. You must need it.
#3. Don't compare yourself to other writers. Only you can write like you. Sure, read things and gain insight and lessons from that writing, but don't put yourself down in the process.
~Clarissa
Overall, how's your mental state and how is your novel going?
Shadows: I'm rather frustrated that I am not writing this one very much, and also frustrated because I just want to get to the climax and I want things to happen and my characters to get what they want but so much stuff has to happen before I can write those things. UGH. So the novel isn't going great, because it's not exactly going right now. #busy
The Blood Oath: Still as much in love with this book as the day my friend and I started writing it. I am so excited to finish it, but I know I'm also going to be sad because you can never get back the experience of writing your first draft. But it's going pretty good. My friend and I write about once a week, and we usually write around 1,500 to 2,000 words a session.
What's your first sentence (or paragraph)?
Shadows: "I scream, and keep screaming as they drag Jacob away."
The Blood Oath: "Esterlyn's breath came hard and fast as her feet flew over the sand."
Who's your current favorite character in your novel?
Shadows: Ugh, so hard to choose! But I guess I'm going to have to go with Kent. He's so quiet, and mysterious, and handsome, and deep. I love him so much.
The Blood Oath: Esterlyn. Duh. I mean Hanilov is great too, but Esterlyn is my sweet, fierce, passionate, beautiful, strong, vulnerable and amazing heroine.
What do you love about your novel so far?
Shadows: I love writing in first person as Lila and getting into her messy tangle of a head that is very much like mine. I love writing those moments between her and someone else #spoilers I love the web of secrets and the plot twists that I'm building up to. I can't wait!!
The Blood Oath: I love #spoilers. I love writing it with my friend. I love #spoilers. Haha sorry, but I can't ruin anything!
Have you made any hilarious typos?
Shadows: No, but I have written something else entirely different than what I wanted to because i was either listening to or thinking about something else.
The Blood Oath: oh my word yes. I was writing about a character and I meant to say they shifted but instead I wrote shited and I cracked up so hard!!! (that's the s word in Scotland).
What's your favorite to write: beginning, middle, or end? Why?
The beginning because it's the start of a grand adventure. But also the end because you're finishing it (!!!) and that last sentence is just so indescribably amazing to write.
What are your writing habits? Do you have a specific snack? Do you listen to music? What time of day do you write best?
I don't usually eat while I'm writing, but if I am, it's always bite sized stuff like skittles, chocolate chips, chips because I like to keep something in my mouth. I don't usually listen to music, but a lot of times I do for a "big scene" or if I feel particularly writerish and cozy. Ironically, I'm listening to music right now. As for a time of day, I feel like afternoon or evening.
How private are you about your novel when you're writing it?
Not private at all. I have an email list that is sent my work chapter by chapter. The exception has been The Blood Oath because all that's been released from that is a synopsis and a teaser scene.
What keeps you writing when it's hard?
The knowledge that this is what I'm meant to do, and that it's the only thing that's going to make me happy all the time. It's how I deal with life and I need it. It's how I'm going to bring the light that is so desperately needed in this world.
Top 3 pieces of writing advice?
#1. Write what you're afraid of. Write about those things that nobody wants to write about. Write about your fears. Write about your wounds and your scars.
#2. Write when you are not inspired to. I once saw a quote that said "inspiration is for amateurs." Sound harsh? It's true. You must write when you don't want to or don't feel like it. It will make you a better writer, and I promise that 99% of the time, amazing things come when you push yourself. That other 1% of the time, just take the break. You must need it.
#3. Don't compare yourself to other writers. Only you can write like you. Sure, read things and gain insight and lessons from that writing, but don't put yourself down in the process.
~Clarissa
Saturday, October 28, 2017
The Early Writings Tag
First, thank you to Abbiee for this tag! Since I stole this from her, it's only proper that you check out her blog here. She had 5 books that she wrote as a child that were horrendous, but alas, I was not so accomplished at a young age. So today, I'm just going to be talking about the one and only horrendous book that I wrote.
Lingering On (originally Sea Hatred)
The Book:
A romantic drama that reached about 35,000 words.
The Plot:
I suppose an excellent question would be this: what was the inspiration for this? I'm not sure I can really pinpoint the source. Part of it was to write a story about a girl who turns her back on God to the point where she denies His existence, but eventually finds her way back to Him. Part of it was the desire to write a tragedy. Part of it was the appeal of a girl who loses absolutely everything and yet somehow finds the strength to love again.
What I Learned:
Conclusion:
I still like the original theme of this book, and with the title of Lingering, I think the story could be a a story that has very personal inspiration behind it. I want to pick it up again someday.
~Clarissa
Lingering On (originally Sea Hatred)
The Book:
A romantic drama that reached about 35,000 words.
The Plot:
- Andromeda is a perfect protagonist: gorgeous, lives by the sea in a beautiful house, has an adoring family, has the amazing and handsome boyfriend, and a lifetime of happiness on the horizon
- The story opens with Will, her boyfriend, proposing to her at sunset on the beach.......that's not cliche at all right? (right.)
- The story continues with all sorts of subplots that add basically nothing to the story. They include:
- an abused best friend
- a lesbian aunt
- a girl that somehow remained a virgin through a horrible marriage and reunites with Andromeda's brother, her first love
- Andromeda's sister being dumped
- A dramatic to the death duel between Will and someone his family has a feud with
- The day before her wedding, Andromeda, Will, and her family take a boat ride to celebrate.
- A storm comes up and everyone DIES except for Andromeda.
- Andromeda sinks into deep depression
- Andromeda moves away to the city, vowing to never love again. That isn't cliche either.
I suppose an excellent question would be this: what was the inspiration for this? I'm not sure I can really pinpoint the source. Part of it was to write a story about a girl who turns her back on God to the point where she denies His existence, but eventually finds her way back to Him. Part of it was the desire to write a tragedy. Part of it was the appeal of a girl who loses absolutely everything and yet somehow finds the strength to love again.
What I Learned:
- You may have to completely rewrite 3/4 of your novel in order to make it a decent piece of literature -I started writing this when I was 12, and picked it up again when I was 14 hence the rewrite.
- The original theme that you started out with may grow and mature with the story, and that's okay. Don't be afraid to let the story change because of that.
- You really need to pick and choose your subplots and make them relevant to the story, or the protagonist's journey. They shouldn't be just fluff
- Make your character relatable. This is probably the most important one. They have to make mistakes. They have to have flaws. Their struggles have to be true and real.
Conclusion:
I still like the original theme of this book, and with the title of Lingering, I think the story could be a a story that has very personal inspiration behind it. I want to pick it up again someday.
~Clarissa
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Struggling With Depression Does Not Make You A Bad Christian
Yep, that's right. Today we're going to talk about the D-word. Depression. It's a scary word most of the time. It's a word that people like to avoid both when they ask how someone is doing, and when people describe how they're feeling.
Somehow this word carries a stigma that says something is wrong with you and that you must not be trying hard enough to feel good. For Christians, it can be even worse. "Just reach out to God" "He's there for you" "Just pray". These are good things, but people can throw out these phrases as if they are the magical, easy solution for climbing out of depression. They can judge you and make it seem like you're a bad Christian because if you were truly walking with God, you wouldn't be depressed.
Let me just say that my walk with God sucks sometimes. I don't read my Bible, and I forget to pray because I stayed up late doing something I wanted to do. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a "bad" Christian. It might mean I'm not a strong Christian, but those two things are not the same. But that's beside the point. Christians can struggle with depression, and today I'm going to talk about my struggle with it.
This post is written partially to bring awareness and understanding to a topic that is still a bit taboo, and also bring hope and encouragement to any Christian who might feel guilty about being depressed.
First, let me say that depression varies in how it affects people, and this is strictly my personal experience. Also let me say that by no means have I had the severest form of depression, and I can't imagine what it's like for the people who do.
The first time I really started being depressed was probably the same time as when it hits a lot of other people: freshman year of high school. That was the time where my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth were at an all time low. There was a lot of pain that started coming to the surface and I drowned in it. I was wounded, and I acted like it.
I listened to songs like "Falling in the Black" by Skillet and wrote poems with lyrics like these:
"The pain that visits/My heart each night/Silently destroying/The soul within me.
I wanted to do a dance to "Falling in the Black" for a home school talent show and when my parents listened to it, they said the lyrics were too dark and that it wasn't good for me to be listening to it. I remember wanting to scream at them when they told me that. "Why do you think I'm listening to it?!"
This brings me to my first symptom: isolation. Depression makes you feel very isolated. You could be hanging out with friends you love and even laugh and joke around but you can still feel like you're on an island and they're miles away. You feel very alone. You feel like no one can help you and that makes you not ask for help or tell anyone.
This is where it ties into the Christian walk: God feels very distant. When I was depressed, don't you think I knew God was there? I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel Him. And to be completely honest, I blamed Him sometimes. I screamed at Him about why was I allowed to go through all of this pain. Still couldn't feel Him. I couldn't feel Him holding me.
But since I'm on the other side of that dark time, I can share a secret with you: He is so close to you. He is holding your hand and guiding you through to the other side. That time taught me so much about myself and took me to a place of healing and confidence that I don't think I could have otherwise. It was overwhelming, but I was forced to confront the pain of my childhood and push through the fears until I could let go of my wounds. God can use these times and even allow them in order to bring us closer to Him.
But please, don't tell us that "God is there" in a way that sounds like we are not pressing into Him. We are trying. We are screaming His name, but we feel so alone. Yes, we may need a loving reminder, but that is different.
We may seem like we're not much fun to be around or that we're never going to "snap out of it" but I promise you that you are helping. You are getting us through. To all my friends who listened to my broken rants and read my dark poetry, thank you. Thank you so much. I only realized now how much you guys put up with. That was a time when I needed people to love me the most.
Now I'm going to transition to a different time in my life and a different type of depression. Apathy and numbness is often another symptom of depression. You simply don't care. You don't feel anything and yet it still sucks. You want to feel better, but at the same time you can't make an effort to do so. People are like, "just pray and ask God to help you feel better". Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't even do it cuz I just don't care.
Depression can cause a severe lack of energy, where you don't feel like doing anything, even things that would probably make you feel better. I don't want to go to church, but every time I do, I feel encouraged and refreshed. It gets me through the week, even though a lot of times that same afternoon I will feel depressed again.
Most of the time, though, a depressed person can worship God just as purely as someone who isn't depressed. Just because they're depressed doesn't mean God won't accept their praise and worship. Perhaps the hardest part about depression is that most of the time, you have no idea why you're depressed. There isn't a specific reason, and that makes it hard to fight because you don't have a cause to fight against.
To every Christian that struggles with depression: I encourage you to educate your loved ones about what you're going through. Let them know what exactly it is you're feeling (or not feeling). Let them know how you're walking through it with God.
Only through awareness will we break the misconceptions that cause the hurtful comments I've mentioned throughout this post.
To every Christian that struggles with depression: You are not less of a Christian because you struggle to move past this. God loves you, and He will desire to bring you closer to Him through this. He knows it's painful. He knows it sucks.
Yes, praying and reading your Bible might be difficult, but we can do it. Find people who encourage and help you break through with your walk that often seems blocked by depression. Depression is a powerful thing that needs to be fought with something equally powerful: prayer.
Know that you can use your depression to draw closer to God and learn lessons that you could never learn otherwise. Depression, especially among Christians, is something that needs to be talked about.
It needs to have awareness so that people don't have to deal with the fear of talking about it like I did. It needs to be understood so that people aren't ashamed or don't feel guilty about being a Christian who struggles with depression.
I know it's scary. I know it's hard. But please, join me in sharing your story.
~Clarissa
Somehow this word carries a stigma that says something is wrong with you and that you must not be trying hard enough to feel good. For Christians, it can be even worse. "Just reach out to God" "He's there for you" "Just pray". These are good things, but people can throw out these phrases as if they are the magical, easy solution for climbing out of depression. They can judge you and make it seem like you're a bad Christian because if you were truly walking with God, you wouldn't be depressed.
Let me just say that my walk with God sucks sometimes. I don't read my Bible, and I forget to pray because I stayed up late doing something I wanted to do. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a "bad" Christian. It might mean I'm not a strong Christian, but those two things are not the same. But that's beside the point. Christians can struggle with depression, and today I'm going to talk about my struggle with it.
This post is written partially to bring awareness and understanding to a topic that is still a bit taboo, and also bring hope and encouragement to any Christian who might feel guilty about being depressed.
First, let me say that depression varies in how it affects people, and this is strictly my personal experience. Also let me say that by no means have I had the severest form of depression, and I can't imagine what it's like for the people who do.
The first time I really started being depressed was probably the same time as when it hits a lot of other people: freshman year of high school. That was the time where my self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth were at an all time low. There was a lot of pain that started coming to the surface and I drowned in it. I was wounded, and I acted like it.
I listened to songs like "Falling in the Black" by Skillet and wrote poems with lyrics like these:
"The pain that visits/My heart each night/Silently destroying/The soul within me.
I wanted to do a dance to "Falling in the Black" for a home school talent show and when my parents listened to it, they said the lyrics were too dark and that it wasn't good for me to be listening to it. I remember wanting to scream at them when they told me that. "Why do you think I'm listening to it?!"
This brings me to my first symptom: isolation. Depression makes you feel very isolated. You could be hanging out with friends you love and even laugh and joke around but you can still feel like you're on an island and they're miles away. You feel very alone. You feel like no one can help you and that makes you not ask for help or tell anyone.
This is where it ties into the Christian walk: God feels very distant. When I was depressed, don't you think I knew God was there? I knew He was there, but I couldn't feel Him. And to be completely honest, I blamed Him sometimes. I screamed at Him about why was I allowed to go through all of this pain. Still couldn't feel Him. I couldn't feel Him holding me.
But since I'm on the other side of that dark time, I can share a secret with you: He is so close to you. He is holding your hand and guiding you through to the other side. That time taught me so much about myself and took me to a place of healing and confidence that I don't think I could have otherwise. It was overwhelming, but I was forced to confront the pain of my childhood and push through the fears until I could let go of my wounds. God can use these times and even allow them in order to bring us closer to Him.
But please, don't tell us that "God is there" in a way that sounds like we are not pressing into Him. We are trying. We are screaming His name, but we feel so alone. Yes, we may need a loving reminder, but that is different.
We may seem like we're not much fun to be around or that we're never going to "snap out of it" but I promise you that you are helping. You are getting us through. To all my friends who listened to my broken rants and read my dark poetry, thank you. Thank you so much. I only realized now how much you guys put up with. That was a time when I needed people to love me the most.
Now I'm going to transition to a different time in my life and a different type of depression. Apathy and numbness is often another symptom of depression. You simply don't care. You don't feel anything and yet it still sucks. You want to feel better, but at the same time you can't make an effort to do so. People are like, "just pray and ask God to help you feel better". Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't even do it cuz I just don't care.
Depression can cause a severe lack of energy, where you don't feel like doing anything, even things that would probably make you feel better. I don't want to go to church, but every time I do, I feel encouraged and refreshed. It gets me through the week, even though a lot of times that same afternoon I will feel depressed again.
Most of the time, though, a depressed person can worship God just as purely as someone who isn't depressed. Just because they're depressed doesn't mean God won't accept their praise and worship. Perhaps the hardest part about depression is that most of the time, you have no idea why you're depressed. There isn't a specific reason, and that makes it hard to fight because you don't have a cause to fight against.
To every Christian that struggles with depression: I encourage you to educate your loved ones about what you're going through. Let them know what exactly it is you're feeling (or not feeling). Let them know how you're walking through it with God.
Only through awareness will we break the misconceptions that cause the hurtful comments I've mentioned throughout this post.
To every Christian that struggles with depression: You are not less of a Christian because you struggle to move past this. God loves you, and He will desire to bring you closer to Him through this. He knows it's painful. He knows it sucks.
Yes, praying and reading your Bible might be difficult, but we can do it. Find people who encourage and help you break through with your walk that often seems blocked by depression. Depression is a powerful thing that needs to be fought with something equally powerful: prayer.
Know that you can use your depression to draw closer to God and learn lessons that you could never learn otherwise. Depression, especially among Christians, is something that needs to be talked about.
It needs to have awareness so that people don't have to deal with the fear of talking about it like I did. It needs to be understood so that people aren't ashamed or don't feel guilty about being a Christian who struggles with depression.
I know it's scary. I know it's hard. But please, join me in sharing your story.
~Clarissa
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Suffocating Friendships
This is a post that is tough for me to write. It might sound mean. It might sound cruel. It might sound selfish. But I'm going to write it anyway because it has gripped me around the throat for far too long, and I am done suffocating. I am ready to breathe again.
This post is about friendships. A certain type of friendship. A friendship that hurts you. And you might not even realize it. This post is probably going to end up being partially a rant and partially a plea and I'll probably throw some advice in there too.
This year has been a tough year for me, as far as friendships go. My friends mean the world to me, and sometimes it feels like they mean more to me than my family does (that isn't how it's supposed to be, but that's life people). So when I lose friends, or my friendships change, it's pretty hard on me.
Now, I already wrote earlier this year about losing a best friend (you can read that here). While that is very painful, the friendship I'm going to talk about today causes a pain that is not readily apparent.
I call this the suffocating friendship.
I recently realized after a get together with friends that I didn't have fun. Mind you, this wasn't the first time. The problem was, the previous times I had thought that there was something off inside me that was preventing me from having a good time. Being as emotional as I am, it is pretty common that the not having fun factor is myself, but I finally realized that this was not the case.
This is the first example of a suffocating friendship. When you can only sit and listen to a conversation that doesn't include you, it's not fun. Now, I'm not saying that you should never tolerate conversations that don't include you. It's going to happen, and everyone does is guilty of it. I've done it. The difference is when the people continue to do it time after time, and it becomes apparent that they don't care that they are excluding others (you).
Now, why do I call this suffocating? Well, shortly after the aforementioned get together, I went out with some different friends. And I came away from that get together feeling good. Feeling happy. I giggled and messed around and enjoyed myself. I felt like I was there for my friends, and they were there for me. It felt like a breath of fresh air.
The second example of a suffocating friendship comes from a series of conversations I had with a friend. I was staying up late and talking about their problems, and waking up tired the next day. I love being there for my friends emotionally, and it's very hard for me to turn people down. However, this friendship felt very one-sided because whenever I would talk to this friend about my problems, their response was never in-depth, sacrificial, or helpful. *Just a side note: sometimes friends have different needs when they're going through tough times and that should be something friends should learn about each other* I felt drained, and I wasn't being filled back up.
The contrast is an email conversation I had with a different friend where one of us started out talking through our problems, and that opened us up into exploring similarities in our struggles and we went back and forth discussing them and offering encouragement. It helped.
The third example developed over multiple instances, but eventually it came to a head as I realized just how tired it was making me. I was the one making the effort, initiating conversations, planning things, making them happen, and trying to think of things to say. And I was tired. I was so tired. I stopped making an effort. The friend didn't make an effort. But you know what? I've learned to be okay with that.
Thank you to all the friends who text me first, say you miss me, plan get togethers and make an effort. I appreciate it more than you know.
As I think about what I've written, I am afraid that this is completely selfish. I am afraid that I overreacted in every one of the situations I described. I am afraid that is wrong to stop making an effort. But I tell that voice to be quiet. Because while friendships are hard, and they require work, and sacrifice, and time, and effort, they are a two-way relationship. If you are:
1. Not having a good time when you hang out with this friend,
2. Are being excluded for sustained periods of time by this friend,
3. Are giving of yourself and receiving nothing in return,
4. Are feeling drained from making a constant effort to maintain the friendship,
please prayerfully consider extricating yourself from this relationship. It is not selfish to take a stand against something that is hurting your emotional and mental health. Is it going to hurt? Yes. Are you going to want to blame yourself? Maybe. Will you feel guilty? Possibly. Is it the healthy thing to do? Yes.
This was not an easy post to write, but it needed to be written. I hope this helps.
~Clarissa
This post is about friendships. A certain type of friendship. A friendship that hurts you. And you might not even realize it. This post is probably going to end up being partially a rant and partially a plea and I'll probably throw some advice in there too.
This year has been a tough year for me, as far as friendships go. My friends mean the world to me, and sometimes it feels like they mean more to me than my family does (that isn't how it's supposed to be, but that's life people). So when I lose friends, or my friendships change, it's pretty hard on me.
Now, I already wrote earlier this year about losing a best friend (you can read that here). While that is very painful, the friendship I'm going to talk about today causes a pain that is not readily apparent.
I call this the suffocating friendship.
I recently realized after a get together with friends that I didn't have fun. Mind you, this wasn't the first time. The problem was, the previous times I had thought that there was something off inside me that was preventing me from having a good time. Being as emotional as I am, it is pretty common that the not having fun factor is myself, but I finally realized that this was not the case.
This is the first example of a suffocating friendship. When you can only sit and listen to a conversation that doesn't include you, it's not fun. Now, I'm not saying that you should never tolerate conversations that don't include you. It's going to happen, and everyone does is guilty of it. I've done it. The difference is when the people continue to do it time after time, and it becomes apparent that they don't care that they are excluding others (you).
Now, why do I call this suffocating? Well, shortly after the aforementioned get together, I went out with some different friends. And I came away from that get together feeling good. Feeling happy. I giggled and messed around and enjoyed myself. I felt like I was there for my friends, and they were there for me. It felt like a breath of fresh air.
The second example of a suffocating friendship comes from a series of conversations I had with a friend. I was staying up late and talking about their problems, and waking up tired the next day. I love being there for my friends emotionally, and it's very hard for me to turn people down. However, this friendship felt very one-sided because whenever I would talk to this friend about my problems, their response was never in-depth, sacrificial, or helpful. *Just a side note: sometimes friends have different needs when they're going through tough times and that should be something friends should learn about each other* I felt drained, and I wasn't being filled back up.
The contrast is an email conversation I had with a different friend where one of us started out talking through our problems, and that opened us up into exploring similarities in our struggles and we went back and forth discussing them and offering encouragement. It helped.
The third example developed over multiple instances, but eventually it came to a head as I realized just how tired it was making me. I was the one making the effort, initiating conversations, planning things, making them happen, and trying to think of things to say. And I was tired. I was so tired. I stopped making an effort. The friend didn't make an effort. But you know what? I've learned to be okay with that.
Thank you to all the friends who text me first, say you miss me, plan get togethers and make an effort. I appreciate it more than you know.
As I think about what I've written, I am afraid that this is completely selfish. I am afraid that I overreacted in every one of the situations I described. I am afraid that is wrong to stop making an effort. But I tell that voice to be quiet. Because while friendships are hard, and they require work, and sacrifice, and time, and effort, they are a two-way relationship. If you are:
1. Not having a good time when you hang out with this friend,
2. Are being excluded for sustained periods of time by this friend,
3. Are giving of yourself and receiving nothing in return,
4. Are feeling drained from making a constant effort to maintain the friendship,
please prayerfully consider extricating yourself from this relationship. It is not selfish to take a stand against something that is hurting your emotional and mental health. Is it going to hurt? Yes. Are you going to want to blame yourself? Maybe. Will you feel guilty? Possibly. Is it the healthy thing to do? Yes.
This was not an easy post to write, but it needed to be written. I hope this helps.
~Clarissa
Saturday, September 2, 2017
The Courtship Book Tag
I stole this tag from my friend Brittany's blog because it looked really cool and it'll give you some insight into what kind of books I love and the writing styles I like. I also find the set up an interesting analogy. Here goes.
Initial Attraction (a book you bought because of the cover): Jane Eyre. I had already read this book when I bought this edition, but I was looking for a copy to buy and I chose this one because of the pretty cover.
First Impressions (a book you got because of the summary): The One Memory of Flora Banks. I haven't read this book yet, but I want to read it because of the synopsis.
Sweet Talk (a book with great writing): The Book Thief. This book has amazing writing. It's so poetic and full of imagery with a healthy dose of sarcasm and dry humor. Plus it's narrated by Death.
First Date (the first book of a series which made you want to pursue the rest of the series): The Final Empire - Mistborn #1. Brandon Sanderson is a fantastic (seriously) writer and Vin remains one of my top two favorite characters of his. She's so awesome. And so is Kelsier. It's just an awesome book and an awesome series.
Late Night Phone Calls (a book that kept you up all night long): The Lunar Chronicles: Winter. Because I just had to get to the climax and see how everything turned out!!!!! It's the last book in the series after all.
Always on My Mind (a book you could not stop thinking about): Ender's Game. I remember being in awe that Orson Scott Card could create a character like Ender that was so incredibly complex and wise and knowledgeable. This book also has so many nuggets for thought about pain and love and war.
Getting Physical (a book in which you love the way it feels): The Revenge of the Sith. I like it because it's small and I can hold it and palm it easily. It's a paperback and it's bendy and worn and highlighted and loved because it's one of the best books ever. It really should go as an answer for Sweet Talk along with The Book Thief because Matthew Stover's writing is freaking amazing. This book is the only one I've highlighted and dogeared and it grabs my heart every time I read it even though I've read it like fifteen times.
Meeting the Parents (a book you would recommend to your friends and family): The Bronze Bow. It's suitable for pretty much any age, and it's such a beautiful story of forgiveness set in the time of Jesus.
Thinking about the Future (a book you know you'll re-read many times in the future): Anne of Green Gables series. Especially Anne of the Island and Rilla of Ingleside. This is in addition to the ones that I already mentioned that I've read more than once.
Thank you guys so much for reading! And thanks for the tag Brittany!
~Clarissa
First Impressions (a book you got because of the summary): The One Memory of Flora Banks. I haven't read this book yet, but I want to read it because of the synopsis.
Sweet Talk (a book with great writing): The Book Thief. This book has amazing writing. It's so poetic and full of imagery with a healthy dose of sarcasm and dry humor. Plus it's narrated by Death.
First Date (the first book of a series which made you want to pursue the rest of the series): The Final Empire - Mistborn #1. Brandon Sanderson is a fantastic (seriously) writer and Vin remains one of my top two favorite characters of his. She's so awesome. And so is Kelsier. It's just an awesome book and an awesome series.
Late Night Phone Calls (a book that kept you up all night long): The Lunar Chronicles: Winter. Because I just had to get to the climax and see how everything turned out!!!!! It's the last book in the series after all.
Always on My Mind (a book you could not stop thinking about): Ender's Game. I remember being in awe that Orson Scott Card could create a character like Ender that was so incredibly complex and wise and knowledgeable. This book also has so many nuggets for thought about pain and love and war.
Getting Physical (a book in which you love the way it feels): The Revenge of the Sith. I like it because it's small and I can hold it and palm it easily. It's a paperback and it's bendy and worn and highlighted and loved because it's one of the best books ever. It really should go as an answer for Sweet Talk along with The Book Thief because Matthew Stover's writing is freaking amazing. This book is the only one I've highlighted and dogeared and it grabs my heart every time I read it even though I've read it like fifteen times.
Meeting the Parents (a book you would recommend to your friends and family): The Bronze Bow. It's suitable for pretty much any age, and it's such a beautiful story of forgiveness set in the time of Jesus.
Thinking about the Future (a book you know you'll re-read many times in the future): Anne of Green Gables series. Especially Anne of the Island and Rilla of Ingleside. This is in addition to the ones that I already mentioned that I've read more than once.
Thank you guys so much for reading! And thanks for the tag Brittany!
~Clarissa
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